[Cartman's just revealed his plan to feign a disability to win the Special Olympics]
Thats really, really, terrible dude!
Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!
“Up the Down Steroid” · Season 8, Episode 2
In this episode: Eric Cartman (4), Kyle Broflovski (2), Jimmy (2), Stan Marsh (1), Timmy (1)
JSJimmy's Father
I'll leave you two alone. And Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating? Its okay if you were.
Dad! Jesus Christ!
[pretending he's disabled] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys what's going on, derrrrrr?
[long pause]
Goddamn you.
[Jimmy and Timmy have just asked the boys to come cheer for them at the special Olympics; Cartman is reading a brochure Jimmy gave them]
Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.
...You're an asshole, Cartman.
[looking confused] What? What did I do?
[Scene: the podium at the Special Olympics. On the stage are Jimmy, Eric, the event organizers, Marc McGuire, Berry Bonds, and Jason Giambi. Jimmy, having won* the Special Olympics, is furious that Cartman feigned a disability to participate]
Just what the hell do you think you're doing Eric?!
[nervously] Uh, heh-heh, d-derr...
You faked being handicapped to win?! I should k-kick your ass right here you lousy, no good, ch-ch-cheater!
[bitterly] Timmeh.
What?
...Timmeh!
...oh my god. You're right, Timmy. You're totally right.
[Jimmy takes the podium to speak and confesses to doping.]
Everyone, the truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using s-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting.
[Cut to Jimmy's girlfriend in the crowd, in bandages. She smiles.]
A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him.
[Cut to Timmy, smiling.]
Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics, because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But now I know that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner; you're just a p-pussy. [cut to McGuire] You're just a big, fat p-p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say: [Cut to Bonds] "Remove me from from the record books, because I am a big stinky, p-pussy, [cut to Giambi] steroid-taking jackass". [cut back to Jimmy] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you let me, I'll be back next year, to compete with honor.
[The crowd erupts into applause]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.