[Scene: the podium at the Special Olympics. On the stage are Jimmy, Eric, the event organizers, Marc McGuire, Berry Bonds, and Jason Giambi. Jimmy, having won* the Special Olympics, is furious that Cartman feigned a disability to participate]
Just what the hell do you think you're doing Eric?!
[nervously] Uh, heh-heh, d-derr...
You faked being handicapped to win?! I should k-kick your ass right here you lousy, no good, ch-ch-cheater!
[bitterly] Timmeh.
What?
...Timmeh!
...oh my god. You're right, Timmy. You're totally right.
[Jimmy takes the podium to speak and confesses to doping.]
Everyone, the truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using s-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting.
[Cut to Jimmy's girlfriend in the crowd, in bandages. She smiles.]
A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him.
[Cut to Timmy, smiling.]
Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics, because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But now I know that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner; you're just a p-pussy. [cut to McGuire] You're just a big, fat p-p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say: [Cut to Bonds] "Remove me from from the record books, because I am a big stinky, p-pussy, [cut to Giambi] steroid-taking jackass". [cut back to Jimmy] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you let me, I'll be back next year, to compete with honor.
[The crowd erupts into applause]
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