TV show quotes
His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.
[horrified] No. No, it's not possible.
We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.
Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.
Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!
You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
Yeah!
And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
Naturally.
Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!
[after seeing Ike] Oh, look, honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.
The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.
[Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an ice pick]
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
[screaming] No! I have to get it out!
My mom says there are lots of black people in China.
I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle stare at him] Ah, screw you guys..!
Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.
Could you please pass the dead fetus--I mean gravy?
It's number...aw, who cares. Arr Americans rook arike.
Ready, you guys?
Ready!
Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
[mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
Cut! Cartman!
What?
It's supposed to be a frog!
I know that!
Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
[thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Der, Cartman!
Der yourself, hippie!
Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
Action!
Screw you guys...
BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!
Hey, Cartman!
What?
Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
[finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.
Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
Give us some, Cartman!
[turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Dude, the road is always snowy.
I know, but, it's really snowy today.
[now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
Shut up, Cartman!
Mrs. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Oh, she would, dude. She would.
[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
[exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.
Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
[spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]
Aaggh!
I'm scared!
Be quiet, kid!
[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]
Aggghhhh!
[finished his cake] All gone.
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]
Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?!
Because, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes!"
Oh.
Hello children, how is your summer going?
Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.
Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
That's good.
Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Yep.
Mr. Hat isn't real.
Right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
