Jimmy quotes from South Park

Cartman

Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!

Stan

We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!

Jimmy

Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!

Cartman

OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!

Kyle

[runs up to the boys at the neighborhood park] Guys! You guys! Listen. Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!

Stan

Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.

Kyle

Come on, guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!

Stan

But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.

Kyle

Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.

Stan

I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.

Jimmy

Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.

Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.

Kyle

God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!

Butters

Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.

Kyle

[stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!

Butters

Huh? Wha? NO. Uh-uh, why?

Kyle

[walks towards him] What did Cartman tell you?!

Butters

He didn't tell me nothin'. And I'm sworn to secrecy. I-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [gasps] Uh, don't make me say anymore!

Kyle

Tell us what you know, right now!

Butters

I can't! Don't you see?! [feels his body and takes out a small bottle of almond M&M's] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it!

Stan

Is that an M&M?

Butters

It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Please, just leave me alone.

Kyle

Then you have to tell us!

Butters

Well… uh… HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the almond M&M and makes sure he doesn't throw up]

Kyle

Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it!

Stan

Pry his mouth open!

He ate it!

Kyle

[grabs Butters by the collar] Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!

Butters

Ah! Bah! I hate almonds.

Oh, my goodness, what's going on?

Kyle

Sorry, Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.

Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?

Stan

He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected president.

[walks off into the kitchen] Oh, well, no TV for him for a few days.

Jimmy

There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one Scooby clue.

Stan

[looking outside] Oh, my God, you guys! Look! Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship!

Cartman

You guys wanna play outside or something?

Kyle

Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?

Cartman

I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.

Stan

Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?

Cartman

The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?

Butters

Yeah.

Jimmy

That's right.

Butters

That's right.

Jimmy

Yeah, you kind of make a point.

Cartman

Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?

Cartman

Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]

The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!

Butters

[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.

Cartman

Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?

Kyle

Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?

Cartman

The playground's burned down, dude.

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah.

Cartman

Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!

Stan

[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"

Because that's what you said.

Stan

That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!

Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?

Stan

TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!

You're the asshole!

Kyle

[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.

Kind of like your start-up company.

Token

Kyle just hit Clyde!

Jimmy

Get him!

Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?

Huh?

Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?

I packed a lunch.

Jimmy

Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [chuckles with Token and Clyde; Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards them]

What are you talking about?

Jimmy

Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers.

For what?

Jimmy

Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom.

Butters

What the heck are you doing?!

Cartman

Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.

Butters

WHY DID YOU PUT CRAIG'S MOM'S BUSH ON THE INTERNET?!

Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News?

Jimmy

That's right.

We would like to give you $26 million. Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you.

Jimmy

What is this for?

I represent an organization called Gieco. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.

Jimmy

Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper.

We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Gieco.

Jimmy

That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid?

Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage?

Jimmy

Us us us, stick it up your ass!

Hm. Well, they said you'd be tough. Do you really think you can stop ads?

Jimmy

Yes.

You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we try to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [gets shot in the back of his head and killed by Officer Barbrady]

Jimmy

Officer Barbrady?

Come with me if you want to live! Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious!

Jimmy

"Tragedy at gunshow?" What happened at the gun show?

Not what happened, what's going to happen. The final sweeping underneath the rug. By this time tomorrow nobody will be asking questions ever again. The ads will have won. And I will be... The man.

I think the ads are playin' yo' ass.

[slaps her across the face] Shut up Classiii!

Oh heeelllllll no!

What?

Oh hell no! Yo' Down's Syndrome ass just slapped me! I'mo break your dick off! [picks him up and slams him into the glass wall that doubles as a window]

Hang on, Classi, I'm sorry.

[punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' ass! [punches him again] I will bust yo' f**kin' nose! I ain't no Mimsy, asshole! [punches him repeatedly] I'm a clasy bitch! And I do not, want ads, controllin' my news! [she lets a thoroughly beaten Nathan slide to the floor]

Jimmy

Classi, thank you!

You need my help? You got it!

Jimmy

I need your phone to call Officer Barbrady. And we have to get to that gun show, fast!

Quick! To the Classi mobile!

Cartman

That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!

Jimmy

Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh, Eric?

Cartman

She's not a girlfriend. She's a controlling, manipulative whore!

Kyle

That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!

Cartman

That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!

Jimmy

Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.

Kyle

Do you like it?

Jimmy

Uh, sure.

Kyle

Thanks, Jimmy. But you know, I really need to thank a good friend. He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person. Have you seen Butters?

Jimmy

Butters? Oh, sure. He's out on the playground, getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.

Kyle

What?!

Bebe

[savagely] MOTHER… FUCKER! DON'T EVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!

Kyle

[runs up] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [breaks up the fighting] What the hell is going on?!

Bebe

I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up and started talking shit to me!

Butters

Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.

Bebe

WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?!

Butters

You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!

Kyle

Butters, what are you doing?! This isn't you!

Butters

Hey, Kyle, will you relax? You're kinda fucking up my brand.

Kyle

Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters. You're going back to CumHammer.

Bebe

You're lucky he saved your ass!

Butters

Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

[scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?

They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!

How can the app company do that?

Jimmy

I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!

Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.

[blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!

Kyle

Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.

Cartman

Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.

Kyle

Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.

Cartman

What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?

Kyle

Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.

Cartman

It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?

Kyle

No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.