Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Will you shut up already?
Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
ButtersOh, boy!
Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!
Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.
[Butters is playing with his toys]
Butters
[singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...
[Cartman enters the room]
Butters
Whoa, hey, Eric.
Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters
A surprise? What is it?
It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters
Oh, boy!
Butters
Y-yeah!
Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
Butters
Oh, okay!
[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
Butters
How come, uh, I can't see?
'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]
Butters
Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
[under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.
Butters
[warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
[Pause]
I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
Butters
Okay!
All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.
[the door opens and Butters's dad enters]
Butters
Whoa! Hey, Dad!
[Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away]
SSSteven Stotch
Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters
I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]
SSSteven Stotch
Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]
Butters
[looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?
SSSteven Stotch
[quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
Butters
Like what?
SSSteven Stotch
Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
Butters
What's...bi-curious?
SSSteven Stotch
You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.
[Butters' mom appears at the doorway]
What's going on, you two?
Butters
Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]
[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]
BBradley
Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Butters
Aw, that's okay, Bradley.
BBradley
I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.
Butters
Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!
BBradley
You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of the chair, panicked]
Butters
What's the matter?
BBradley
I-I think I...I think I like you.
Butters
Well, I like you too, Bradley!
BBradley
YOU DO?! You like-like me?!
Butters
Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!
BBradley
Oh, God! We're both unfix-able!
[the To Be Continued part]
TTerrorists
Allah! [push Rickety Rocket faster to the barrier]
RRRickety Rocket
AAAAAH! JESUS CHRIST! NO!
FMFanciful Mayor
That was your plan to stop them?!
Butters
Yeah, just a little heartfelt speech.
FMFanciful Mayor
That’s fucking stupid! [the terrorist stop playing with their guns as the wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side starts to break] They are coming..
Butters
Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it.
You are in Imaginationland! This is a dream.
Butters
Huh?
FMFanciful Mayor
Hey, wake up, stupid! C'mon, wake up, kid!
Butters
[wakes up] No, wait! I was back home in bed!
FMFanciful Mayor
No, you passed out and peed your pants!
CCinderella
[points] Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out!
[The evil characters break loose from the bad side, the characters from the good side flea. (uncensored part) Mickey Mouse's head is shot]
Butters
Oh hamburgers!
TTerroists
Allah! [got knocked by an evil character from the bad side]
AAslan
Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.
BBBeavery Beaver
This is gonna be fun, huh?
WCWoodland Critters
[cheering] Yeah!
AAslan
We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.
Butters
W-What can I do?
AAslan
You have a power here that you have yet to understand.
[as Butters wakes up when he and Linda enter his room] Come on, Butters, time to get up.
Butters
Oh, Dad! I had the craziest dream! I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack!
You were in Imaginationland, Butters. We read all about it in the paper. The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?
You are grounded, mister.
Butters
[disappointed] Oh. [realizes] Wait, I'm not grounded.
Butters
Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]
That only works in imagination land. You're grounded.
[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
So you boys like this music, huh?
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Butters
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
Real guitars are for old people!
[Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde all approach Bebe at the lockers]
All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class.
That's not for boys to look at. It's a secret girl list, and you can't see it.
Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny, 'cause you'd be eating Pop-Tarts for dinner if you married him?
[closing her locker; annoyed] I'm not telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is. And Nelly will never let you look it, so there! [blows raspberry at him and leaves]
[blows raspberry at her in return and flips her off] Fuck you, Bebe! Fucking bitch!
Butters
Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.
Screw that, dude. We're guys. We can out-think them.
[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the shin by Butters]
NNelly
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
Butters
[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
Butters
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
[Stan and the other boys follow them]
NNelly
[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
[The boys enter the restroom where Kyle is washing his hands]
Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!
[Kenny tapes the list to the wall and all the boys look over it]
It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
And then Token. And then me.
Butters
Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!
[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!
[Kenny joyfully finds himself as number 7]
Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
You're last, dude! [laughs]
Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.
So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!
[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]
You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]
Butters
[yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?
Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
M2Man #2
Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
We're professionals, too, you fucking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
PPolice Officer
Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
We, uh, we have special permission.
Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
Butters
[in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
