[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
RRandy
So you boys like this music, huh?
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
RRandy
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
RRandy
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
RRandy
But... But this is real.
Real guitars are for old people!
[Next morning… Stan gets out of bed after his alarm clock goes off, but as he gets on his computer, he finds out he's not connected to the Internet]
RRandy
[entering] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer!
RRandy
My Internet's not working, I gotta use yours. And give Daddy some private time, will ya?
My Internet's not working either.
[entering with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!
RRandy
I know that, okay?!
I have to get online with my darling, Amir, before school starts!
[walking up] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
RRandy
[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!
I have to get online before school.
What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.
Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.
[The Marshes and the Broflovskis exit the house and head to Gerald's car]
Hey, is your guys' Internet working?
[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
RRandy
Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!
Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!
How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!
Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.
RRandy
Good idea! [takes out his cellphone] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report! There's no Internet!
There has to be a way to find out what's going on.
We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!
[irritated by Randy recording with his camera] Randy, I swear to God, if you don't put that thing away!
RRandy
Sharon, you're going to be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday.
I mean it, Randy! That's enough!
RRandy
[turning on the camera; frightfully] I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again. Okay. This is Randy Marsh. I'm shooting this video of myself. 20 minutes ago, some huge creatures attacked our town. There's still chaos out the window. [pans the camera to the window where all the people are screaming and running] I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me, and there's Shelley. Wave to the camera, Shelley.
Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do!
RRandy
I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.
[Randy, Sharon, and Shelley are on the roof of Best Buy with the Stotches]
RRandy
[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We… We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. [pans the camera to the Stotches] There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.
[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]
[A sound of buzzing is heard and starts increasing]
What is that? Chris, what is that?
RRandy
Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.
SStephen (Chris)
[points to something up in the sky] Oh, God, look!
Those aren't guinea pigs!
SStephen (Chris)
Get off the roof!
RRandy
[following them as they get off the roof and run down the stairs] Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God. Going down the stairs now. Okay, getting down the stairs!
[They reach the main floor and a news report is shown in the television aisle as they head to the entrance]
AAnchorman
And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.
Get away! There's bees everywhere! There's another one right there!
RRandy
[pans the camera to a giant guinea bee] OH, MY GOD!!!
T2Townsman #2
[on the ground, with a stinger stabbed in his chest] It stung me! IT STUNG ME!
SStephen (Chris)
Look, I think we need to find a way out under the city.
In the sewers? It can't be safe down there!
RRandy
Oh, God. What are gonna do?
[A crashing sound is heard and some people start screaming]
Something's inside the store!
MMan
Guinea rabbits! They're inside!
RRandy
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
[Two guinea rabbits surround a man being bitten in half]
WWoman
[screaming in horror] TRAVIS! NO!
RRandy
(It's too late!) You can't help him!
RRandy
What do you think about the Guinea-saurus Rex, Shelley? Oh, that's good. There's Shelley with the Guinea-saurus Rex in the background. Give… give a little peace sign, Shelly. Oh, I know, hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the Guinea-saurus Rex. Shelley?
[finally having enough; furiously] RANDY! I HAVE HAD IT! YOU ARE PUTTING DOWN THAT GODDAMN CAMERA!
RRandy
Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family, someday.
[Sharon angrily screams and smacks the camera out of Randy's hands]
Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?
RRandy
I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]
(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)
Randy (wary): What was that?
Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)
Randy (disgusted): Oh, my God, did you just...at the table?
Stan (equally grossed out): Gross, Mom! (Seeing Randy and Stan's disgust only sets Sharon and Shelly to giggling again.)
Randy (stern and paternal): Okay, that's enough, girls, all right?! I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon (trying to sound relatively contrite): Sorry. It's just...it's just pretty funny how much it bothers you. (Apparently the humor is lost on the masculine portion of the Marsh family.)
Randy (sarcastic): Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really funny!
RRandy
Yea, okay? Let"s just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry. (They go back to eating again in silence. A couple seconds later, another queef can be heard. This time, both Sharon and Shelly crack up.)
Randy (like you'd talk to a child): Sharon Marsh!!!
[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]
RRandy
Oh, that is nice. That is NICE.
[running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!
RRandy
I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
No! I mean your actual BALLS!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
