KyleMr. President, my name is--
Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
Kyle
Really?
HCHead of the conspiracy group
You won't get away with it! People know!
People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
HCHead of the conspiracy group
Wait, what are you doing?
You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
HCHead of the conspiracy group
No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website!
[The head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush blows his brains out]
DRDonald Rumsfeld
Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
Kyle
No way.
He was right, you did cause 9/11!
Yes, quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked, when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
Kyle
Really?!
HCHead of the conspiracy group
You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
Kyle
"Code 234."
HCHead of the conspiracy group
We think they came from a government office.
Kyle
What is it?
HCHead of the conspiracy group
It's anthrax.
Kyle
[to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
Kyle
I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?
[Cartman walks up]
Kyle
My little brother and his teach—-
Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Kyle
Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Kyle
The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[long silence]
Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
Kyle
It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!
What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[long pause]
Kyle
[sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
Kyle
You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!
[Cartman starts to walk away]
Kyle
And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
[Cartman pauses, with an intense look on his face]
Kyle
They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
[turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Kyle
Well, they're doing it.
Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!
Kyle
Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
Kyle
I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
APAll Policemen
[pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher? What is his name?
Kyle
Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
[sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
Kyle
Well, no, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
[even more surprised] The blonde?
Kyle
Yeah.
APAnother policeman
Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
Kyle
Yeah.
Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
Kyle
Yes.
Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle
I think so.
PPoliceman
The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
Kyle
Hey! He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
You're right, we're sorry. This is serious. We must find this kid and... give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle screams in frustration and runs off]
Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Kyle
Will you shut up already?
Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!
Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.
You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Whatcha do to Butters this time?
It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]
I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?
Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle
No, dude, that makes you gay!
Kyle
You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
[looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.
Kyle
Yeah-huh!
Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Ha ha, that makes you totally fucking gay.
But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle
Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
Kyle
No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Kyle
The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Kyle
Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
Kyle
Idiot.
[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]
Kyle
Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle
[throws up the ball] Where's what?
[grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!
Kyle
Let go of me!
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle
Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
[rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle
I don't have it!
[stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
Kyle
Shut up.
You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]
HSHomeland Security Head
Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.
Kyle
Hey!
HSHomeland Security Head
Donner, take over that station.
Kyle
What's going on?
HSHomeland Security Head
This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
Kyle
Homeland Security?
HSHomeland Security Head
Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on, you answer to me. You got that?
FHFBI Head
Excuse me, who's in charge here?
HSHomeland Security Head
I am.
FHFBI Head
Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
HSHomeland Security Head
That's outrageous! On whose orders?
FHFBI Head
On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
AHATF Head
Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on, you're answering to me.
PSPresident's Staff Head
Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]
[In a Vatican Holding Cell]
We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle
What?!
Stab me with this. [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle
No way! Do it yourself.
Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
Kyle
Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Just make it quick, through the neck. I'll rise again immediately.
Kyle
Don't make me do this.
My son, there is no time. Do it.
Kyle
Eric Cartman can never know about this.
I understand. And Kyle...Happy Easter.
Kyle
Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]
[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Kyle
Jesus?
HAHomeless Advisor
They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.
B1Bum 14
Is that...is that some spare change?
HAHomeless Advisor
Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
B1Bum 14
Spare some of that change, sir?
HAHomeless Advisor
But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]
B1Bum 14
Spare some change?
HAHomeless Advisor
It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
Kyle
What's it doing?
HAHomeless Advisor
It's dying.
Kyle
Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]
Kyle
[smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.
[turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?
Kyle
You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
