[writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--
[pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--
Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!
[whole class giggles]
[in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.
All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--
Tampons! Tampon dick shit!
KyleWill you knock it off already?!
Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.
Kyle
Don't push me, asshole!
Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.
[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]
DMr. Donaldson
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!
SBSheila Broflovski
Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
DMr. Donaldson
Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
Kyle
[through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle
I'm sorry!
You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
Kyle
I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]
Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
DMr. Donaldson
Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!
Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.
Kyle
Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.
No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.
Kyle
[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?
Kyle
Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!
[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?
Our darling Butters never came home last night!
Kyle
What did they say?!
We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.
Kyle
..Dude...
If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?
Kyle
Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]
[touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]
So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...
Kyle
[snaps] Just let it go already, you asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER. EVER. Going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!
[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
So you boys like this music, huh?
Kyle
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
Real guitars are for old people!
Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there--quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
Kyle
Oh my God!
HMr. Hart
Would you boys like to meet him?
HMr. Hart
Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.
JCJay Cutler
[in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!
Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.
[as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
Kyle
[sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!
Kyle
[angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!
[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the shin by Butters]
NNelly
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
[Stan and the other boys follow them]
NNelly
[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
[The boys enter the restroom where Kyle is washing his hands]
Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!
[Kenny tapes the list to the wall and all the boys look over it]
It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
And then Token. And then me.
Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!
[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!
[Kenny joyfully finds himself as number 7]
Kyle
Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
You're last, dude! [laughs]
Kyle
No way!
Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.
So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!
[Stan and Wendy show up at the school before Kyle threatens to burn it down to the ground]
The list was a forgery, Kyle!
Kyle
[surprised and confused] Huh?
It didn't sparkle with all the girls! We have the real list!
[appearing out of nowhere and aims her gun at Wendy while carrying a shoe bag] That's about fair enough! Give me that list, Wendy!
Kyle
Stan, what is going on?!
It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
Kyle was simply a casualty. To move Clyde meant Craig had to be moved to number 12, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up.
Kyle
So what number was I?
[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]
Kyle
You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]
[yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?
Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
Did Elton John sing a song for you?
No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!
Kyle
(manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
Kyle
I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)
If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL, ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!
Kyle
I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
Kyle
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]
[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!
Kyle
[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!
Kyle
WHY DO I HAVE HIV?!
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Kyle
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
Kyle
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!
Kyle
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--
Kyle
[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, while the other students cheer him on]
Kyle
HATE YOU!! HATE YOU!!
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!
Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?
Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.
That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.
Kyle
An apology?!
You're sorry for what, Eric?
I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
That's better. And now, Kyle, you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.
Kyle
What?!
Kyle, the thing about tattling is, eh, tattling's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?
Kyle
A tattle-tale?! HE INFECTED ME WITH AIDS!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
