Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

You guys, something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.

Kyle

Like what?

I think... I think he wants to have sex with me.

[after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...

Stan

He's remembering!

Children! What have I done?

Cartman

It's okay, Chef! Go on, remember!

[singing] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna...

Kyle

Come on Chef, you can do it.

[singing] 🎵 I'm gonna make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fire! 🎵

YAY!

Kyle

Do you realize how retarded that sounds?

Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?

Stan

Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

Stan

Oh my God, they killed Chef!

Kyle

You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!

Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Cartman

Maybe...maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's corpse does exactly what he was about to say and voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.

Stan

Come on. Let's go.

Kyle

We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us...feel hurt...and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Yeah.

He's right.

Kyle

And in the end, I know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.

Kyle

You should like that show, your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.

Cartman

[explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy! You hear me, Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!

Kyle

[realizing] You unbelievable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!

Cartman

Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!" I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!

Kyle

Cartman! You fucking fat ass!

Cartman

How the hell did you get out?

Kyle

That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!

Cartman

Oh, goddamn it! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

Kyle

Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?

Cartman

It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!

[recognises the treasure Cartman defecated] Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.

Cartman

That's right, and I... [realises what the tour guide just said] Fake treasure?

Yeah. We put it there in the cave to get your picture with. All and all, I say that treasure is worth about $14.

Cartman

No. NOOOO!!! [Cartman defecates more of the fake treasure] OWWW! OHHHH!!!

Kyle

[angrily] You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!

Cartman

DON'T YOU THINK I'M HURTING ENOUGH, KYLE?! ARGH!! ARGH!! [Cartman painfully defecates more fake treasure] OWWWW!!!

Now today we have a special guest speaker. Does anyone know who our last vice-president was?

Kyle

Dick Cheney?

No, no, the last one.

Butters

Bill Clinton?

No, Clinton's Vice President.

Kyle

It's half-man, and half-bearpig.

Cartman

No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!

Kyle

That doesn't make any sense.

Stan

It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

Cartman

[as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?

Kyle

[as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!

Cartman

[approaches] Okay, I'm back.

Stan

[as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!

Cartman

Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!

Kyle

If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!

Cartman

Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!

Kenny

[as a human hunter; muffled] I think Kyle has sweet titties! [laughs]

Cartman

Heh heh, totally!

Kyle

Wow, look at all these people playing right now!

Cartman

Yeah, it's bullcrap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!

Cartman

We did it, you guys. We're totally heroes.

Kyle

That was such über pwnage.

Stan

I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?

Cartman

What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.

Kyle

Oh, yeah.

Cartman

Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your hotbar.

Stan

Got it.

Kyle

[after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?

Stan

What do you mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.

Yeah, what are you, retarded?

Cartman

Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?

Kyle

Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!

Cartman

Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?!

Kyle

Yes, I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.

Stan

Yeah, at least one fourth.

Kyle

Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's one fourth.