Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Cartman

He's gonna kill us. We gotta tell our parents!

Kyle

We can't go tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!

Stan

Shh! Here comes Ms. Claridge now.

Hello, Ms. Claridge.

Stan

Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge?

Kyle

Stan! What the hell is going on?!

Stan

It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

And they all lived happily ever after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.

Kyle

[voice over] Goddamn it, Cartman!

Kyle

Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?

[taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

Kyle

But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?

Penis!

Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!

Vagina!

Kyle

Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!

Sheila

What?

Kyle

Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.

Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!

Kyle

Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?

Sheila

Absolutely not, Kyle!

Kyle

But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.

Sheila

Yes, but Kyle--

Kyle

Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Sheila

Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Kyle

Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

Sheila

The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!

Kyle

But Jews can't play basketball!

Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!

Kyle

[angrily shouts] I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!! [storms into his room in a fit of rage]

Kyle

All my life I've wanted to be tall and black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?

[stares, speechless] Oh, I see! In that case, you want a Angioplasty.

Kyle

A Angioplasty?

Yes, it's very simple, just the exact opposite of a Angioplasty.

Kyle

Those dirty liars!

Kenny

Son of a bitch!

Kyle

Maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.

Stan

You mean Cartman's side is right?

Kyle

Cartman's side is right. For the wrong reasons. But we are wrong. For the right reasons.

Jimmy

Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?

Stan

Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

Kyle

We're ignoring him.

Token

Ignoring him, how come?

Kyle

Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.

Token

Oh yeah.

Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?

Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!

I never realized ignoring him was an option.

Stan

Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.

Kyle

How do you know?

Stan

Because... I know what did cause the Beaverton flood.

Kyle

George Bush?

Stan

No...

Kyle

Terrorists?

Stan

No...

Kyle

Communists?

Stan

No...

Kyle

Chinese radicals?

Stan

No...

Kyle

...Cartman?

Stan

...kind of.

Kyle

CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVERTON?!

Cartman

Give me your Jew gold now!

Kyle

Goddamn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?

Cartman

I want your Jew gold.

Kyle

We must save these people!

Stan

How?

Cartman

Why?

Cartman

Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.

What?

Cartman

What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?

Stan

What?

Butters

How do you know?

Kyle

The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.

[with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!

Cartman

[Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

Kyle

Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan

As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

Kyle

So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman

Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny

Hey, yeah!

Stan

No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.