Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.

Kyle

Yeah, we know.

Kyle

Okay, hang on, guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.

Cartman

Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but even better. Let me try.

Kyle

What? Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!

Stan

Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with. I mean, no one does that.

Cartman

I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.

Kyle

No, dude! From now on you only get to have one power. So... what is it?

Cartman

I have the power to have all the powers I want.

Kyle

It doesn't work that way!

Stan

Agreed. Now you don't get to have any powers, unless you follow the rules.

Cartman

Alright, dickhole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!

Kyle

Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!

Cartman

Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!

Kyle

[is turned into a chicken] OH, COME ON!

Cartman

[sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.

Butters

Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped.

Stan

Oh, yeah? Kenny, use your ninja star!

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah! Try this, Professor Chaos! (gets out a shuriken) Feel my wrath! [throws shuriken at Butters, hitting him in the eyeball...]

Butters

[Wailing cry]

Cartman

Oh, shit, dude!

Stan

Butters! Oh, my God!

Stan

Oh, dude, it's stuck in his eye!

Kyle

What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!

Kenny

[muffled] I just threw my ninja star at him.

Butters

IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!

Cartman

[pretending he's disabled] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys what's going on, derrrrrr?

Kyle

Goddamn you.

Cartman

Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.

Kyle

...You're an asshole, Cartman.

Cartman

[looking confused] What? What did I do?

Kyle

God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!

Cartman

Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!

Kyle

Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!

Kyle

People don't hate the Jews!

Cartman

Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.

And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.

Kyle

Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]

Kyle

Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.

Cartman

[as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.

Wee look, he can fly.

Kyle

Jesus Christ, dude!

Stan

[yelled] Stop, you fucking lunatic! [While Kenny tight his hoodie jacket]

Stan

Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.

Cartman

Hey, guys, wait up. I want to go with you and help out.

Kyle

No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.

Cartman

Nu-uh.

Kyle

Look. You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.

Cartman

I am not, Kyle!

Stan

Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.

Kyle

Okay okay..

Cartman

Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.

Kyle

Hey!

Cartman

What?

Kyle

You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.

Cartman

That's not what I said!

Stan

Dude, come on.

Kyle

He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!

Stan

Dude, we have to go.

Kyle

Alright. Cartman, let's blow this popsicle stand!

Stan

[off screen] Hurry up!

Cartman

He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

Stan

Goddamn, that took a long time.

Kyle

Well, It would have been faster if Cartman didn't slashed the tires.

Cartman

Wall-Mart's a great store! I cannot let you fools ruin its terrific bargains. You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!

Kyle

I knew you were.

Cartman

No, you didn't.

Kyle

(frustrated) Yes, I did. I said from the beginning that you would do this!

Cartman

No, you didn't.

Kyle

Yes, I did!

Cartman

No, you didn't!

Kyle

Yes, I did!

Cartman

No, you didn't!

Cartman

(after a brief silence) You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bus tires-

Kyle

(speaking over him) -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas. I said so! I told you the minute-

Cartman

(places hands over ears) LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Kyle

Hey, I told you-

Cartman

I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!

Cartman

(brandishes dagger again) I'm sorry, boys, but if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me.

Kyle

We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us.

Cartman

Very well, Kenny. Let us battle!

Cartman

Ow! Kenny! Kenny, knock it off!

Stan

Dude, let's play firemen!

Kyle

Totally dude, let's play fireman!

Cartman

Jews can't be firemen!

Kyle

Shut up, fatass!

Cartman

Don't call me fat you stupid Jew!