Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?

Stan

You're Chef's parents?

Yes, all his life.

Kyle

[in a hurry] We have to talk to him!

Well, he should be out now directly.

He's so excited about the wedding now.

Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?

Stan

No, that's okay.

Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.

We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"

It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...

Oh, it was so scary!

...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fiddy."

Kyle

What's tree-fiddy?

Three dollars and fifty cents.

Tree-fiddy.

Stan

He wanted money?

That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fiddy, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

I gave him a dollar.

She gave him a dollar.

I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

Don't screw around!

Stop screwing around! Hey, you're screwing around too much!

Stan

Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle

You bastards!

Hello there, boys.

Stan

Whoa! Who are you?

I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?

Yes.

That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]

Stan

...Thanks a lot, dude.

[rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.

Cartman

I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.

That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

We were just playing a game called Wicker-shams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?

Stan

No.

I'm the head Wicker-knicker. And you are all little Wicker-shams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Hurrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan

This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman

Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?

Kyle

Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.

Cartman

That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Stan

Christmas?

Cartman

...Christmastime is presents for me.

Stan

[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!

Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.

I'm sorry, hon.

[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.

Stan

Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]

Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]

Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle

He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

God damn it, Mom!

Stan

OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.

Kyle

Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.

Hi, Kyle.

Kyle

[hops back] Aah!

Cartman

[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?

Kyle

Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!

Stan

[chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.

All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.

Stan

How do we split up?

I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.

OK!

Kyle

[joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?

Stan

Juuhachi desu ka?

Juuhachi da ne!

No, goddamn it, it's 18!

Stan

Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.

For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!

Cartman

Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.

What did he say?!

Stan

He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.

Sou desu nee!

Damn it, this is not Japan!

Cartman

Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]

Dare ga pu shita no.

ARRGGHHH!!!

Kyle

[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

Stan

Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]

Kyle

Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!

Kyle

You suck!

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!

Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-

["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]

Butters

Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]

[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]

Butters

Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]

[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]

Tolkien

What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]

[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

Kyle

Rebecca. You...

[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]

I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]

Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]

You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!

Kyle

Uh. All I did was show her how to-

You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]

Kyle

[landing on his back] Aaaah!

[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]

Kyle

Ooww!

Stan

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

Butters

Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]

[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]

...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]

Stan

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]

Butters

Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.

Stan

Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]

[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!

Butters

[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!

Stan

This is great!

Cartman

Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?

Stan

Yeah, that's better.

Cartman

Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.

Kyle

What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?

Cartman

No, man, that's just a TV show.

Stan

[rushs in] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!

Cartman

What? That your parents lied to you, too?

Stan

Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!

Cartman

How?

Stan

Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?

Kyle

All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.

Stan

So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!

Kenny

(Woohoo!)

Stan

The kid will never even know.

Cartman

Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!

Kyle

Oh my God, what if I'm not real?

Stan

We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!

Cartman

Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]

Kyle

I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?

Stan

[returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]

Kyle

What if this is all just somebody's dream?

Kyle

There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.

Cartman

A what?

Kyle

[softly] An ailnay ilefay.

Cartman

What's that?

Kyle

Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!

Stan

Yeah, you stupid umbassday!

Cartman

I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.

Kyle

They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay were otallytay ewedscray!

Stan

[a brief pause] Yeah.

Stan

Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

Kyle

I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here!