[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]
KSKenny's Mom
Are you all right, Stuart?
Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men! [sobs] I just want to go home and take a--a hot bath!
[all the pedophiles are now arrested]
LLead Agent
[to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NLNAMBLA Leader
Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.
[Stan and Kyle glance at each other]
NLNAMBLA Leader
Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Dude, you have sex with children!
NLNAMBLA Leader
We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then... I guess you'll just have to put us away!
[For a fleeting moment, the federal agents, Marlon Brando lookalikes, and sundry bystanders show expressions of pity, but Kyle chimes in to remind everybody that...]
[slowly, for emphasis] Dude! You have sex with children!
StanYeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
LLead Agent
Alright, that's enough! You're going to be put away for a long time!
[the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]
Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
[half-heartedly] Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
Stan
And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?
No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.
[Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front of "South Park Pianos"]
Stan
[despondent; voice breaking] There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
[muffled] You never seem to care when I die.
Stan
My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it! [starts to break down] Oh God! He's my best friend... [breaks into tears]
[stands up; muffled] WELL, NOW THAT DOES IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! SCREW YOU, STAN, I'M GOING HOME! [walks away; above him, a man is hauling a piano, but realizes the ropes are tearing]
MMover
Look out! [the piano snaps from the ropes and crushes Kenny] Oops.
Stan
Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again! [continues sobbing]
SKStan and Kyle
Hello, Chef.
CChef
(sternly) My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.
Stan
Islam?
CChef
From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.
As he says this, a Middle Eastern-looking person stands next to him, holding a long sign with his name in front of where Chef's apron normally says "Chef".
CChef
(continuing) With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name.
Stan
Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.
CChef
(outraged, slams his hands down on the counter) You WHAT?! You don't think they should change the flag?!
Stan
Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.
CChef
(angry) Well, that figures you don't, because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!
Stan
(taken aback) But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about-
CChef
(throws down a ladle in anger) But NOTHING! "But" my ass! Fix your own damn food!
[Chef storms out of the cafeteria, with his sign holder in tow, to Kyle and Stan's concern and confusion.]
Stan
Hey Cartman, what does "finger-bang" mean, anyway?
I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
[laughs] That's not what it means.
Stan
Kenny says that's not what it means.
Okay, Kenny, what does "finger-bang" mean then?
It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
...What? What?! Who the heck would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
SASister Anne
Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
Jesus was made of…crackers?
Stan
But crackers are his body.
SASister Anne
In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
SASister Anne
No no no no!
Well, what are we eating then?
SASister Anne
The body of Christ!
Stan
No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
Stan
No?!
I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
SASister Anne
Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
SASister Anne
And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
SASister Anne
Eric, do you want to go to hell?
SASister Anne
Then stop questioning me.
BCBill Cosby Robot
[drawing a gun] Well, that does it!
BCBill Cosby Robot
I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Stan
That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!
Stan
Can I do it?
BCBill Cosby Robot
Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]
Stan
Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fat boy!
BCBill Cosby Robot
Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan
Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Yeah, that would be faster.
Stan
He's right there.
BCBill Cosby Robot
I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
Stan
Chef, what's a prostitute?
CChef
Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a 'rimjob', Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Stan
Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
Stan
Chef, what's a prostitute?
It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan
Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
Well, you could make them go away for a while.
Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan
The police?
Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you got to do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
[awed] Wow! Three months without parents!
Stan
But what do the police do to them?
Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
