Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Stan

Today, we've made history.

Stan

[to the girls' volleyball coach] Dude, girls volleyball isn't a joke; jokes are hard and require skill.

[singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--

Kyle

Aw, damn it!

Stan

What?

Kyle

My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!

Kyle

Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!

Stan

What's a dildo?

Cartman

Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.

Kyle

Vi-visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i-is a pretty special thing.

Stan

Yeah.

Kyle

Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.

Stan

That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle

Did it work?

Stan

No, they're leaving.

Kyle

[Absolutely livid] Hey, you scrawny-ass sh**heads, what the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing a**holes to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan

Whoa, dude!

Kyle

You know what you f**kers like?! You like to f**k! And s***! And F**k! And F**k! AND F**K!!

Stan

Hey, Wendy, what's a f**k? [She shrugs.]

Stan

My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle

Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman

My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Cartman

My weenies won't cook.

Mmmm-this wood won't burn-mm.

Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.

Mmmm-yepper. [pours gasoline onto the burning wood, then catches fire] AAAAAHH!

Huhahaha! Hey, stop, drop, and roll, Ned! Ah ha haha!

Whoa!

God dammit, Ned! I just got that van. How the hell are we s'posed to get home?

Mmm-oh, it hurts! It hurts! Owwww!

Cartman

Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?

Stan

Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.

Cartman

Your sister beat you up again, huh?

Stan

No!

Cartman

[Laughs] Yep, your sister kicked your ass!

Stan

She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.

Kyle

Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.

Cartman

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

Stan

My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!

Cartman

Be a man, Stan. Just say, "Hey, woman, y-you shut your mouth and make babies."

Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

Stan

Ah, sick!

Cartman

Fluffy!

Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

Cartman

If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"

Stan

Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?

Cartman

I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Cartman

I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

That's right!

Stan

Grampa!

And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman

Hey!

Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman

You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

That's the spirit, Tubby!

Kyle

Ow! What the hell was that for?!

Cartman

That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!

Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?

Kyle

Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.

Cartman

Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!

Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.

Cartman

[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?

She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.

That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.

You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.

Kenny, why are you late to class?

Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...

Yes Kenny, what is it?

Kenny

(I have to go pee.)

I thought you just came from the bathroom.

Kenny

(I did, I gotta go again...)

Okay okay, go ahead.

Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.

Stan

Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!

Pay attention, children!

Stan

Aw man, I feel like a total choad.

Cartman

Aw, come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.

Hello there, Children!

Cartman

Hey, Chef!

[after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a Klansman] Aah!

Cartman

Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?

Stan

Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Mega Man"?

Kyle

Yeah. Mine says "Red Mega Man".

Cartman

Right. That's what you're supposed to get for my birthday.

Stan

Dude, you're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.

Kyle

Yeah, that's weak!

Cartman

Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra-Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three, or it doesn't work, see?

Stan

Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want!

Cartman

Oooh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.

Stan

Oh, "Gre-green Mega Man" it is.

Stan

Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.

Cartman

(Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!

I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.

Cartman

Oh! Excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you - I didn't have a choice!

Stan

Phew! You stink, new kid! You smell like a fart!

Kyle

Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.

Stan

Bye bye, Fart-boy!

Kyle

See you!

Good day, how are you, Damien?

Those guys farted on me, and then called me...

Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.

Cartman

Oh, look what Kyle got me. It's a Red Mega- [Opens the gift revealing a game called "Ants in the Pants"] Ants in the Pants? Ants in the P- ANTS IN THE PANTS?!

Kyle

It's a game, dude. It's really fun.

Cartman

You son of a bitch! [Tackles Kyle] You were supposed to get me the Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man! You dirty cheap-ass piece of crap!

Kyle

They were all out of them, dude!

Cartman

I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIEEEE! That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home!

Cartman

GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! AND PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!

Stan

Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out.

Cartman

Take your stupid Ants in the Pants with you! [Throws Ants in the Pants at Kyle]

Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.

Stan

Ah, he does this all the time.