Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Stan

You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Kyle

That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?

Sheila

How about the dreidel song, boobie?

Kyle

I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.

The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?

Kyle

[singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...

Stan

Christmas poo?

Cartman

What the hell is Christmas poo?!

Kyle

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?

Sheila

Kyle, that is enough!

See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.

Sheila

Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!

Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?

Kyle

[to Stan] Dude, I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!

Stan

No, you're not; I don't think I missed any!

Hi, Stan.

Stan

[not paying attention to Wendy] I bet I scored a hundred!

HI, STAN!

Stan

Oh, hey, Wendy.

I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen!

Kyle

No, she wasn't!

Yes, she was!

Stan

That's impossible!

Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!

Cartman

Nuh-uh!

It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!

Kyle

Oh, cool!

Cartman

Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing.

Kyle

Yeah, you're acting like a freak, Wendy.

NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAAAAK!

Cartman

Hey, man, somebody's gotta pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.

Kyle

Well, that whole experience sure sucked.

Stan

Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.

Kyle

But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power - a lot of power - always end up dead.

Cartman

Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Hooray for Barbarady!

Stan

Boo!

Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan

[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle

[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.

Kyle

[horrified] No. No, it's not possible.

We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.

Stan

Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.

Cartman

Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!

Kyle

You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.

Stan

Yeah!

Kyle

And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.

Stan

Naturally.

Cartman

Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!

Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan

[screaming] No! I have to get it out!

Stan

Ready, you guys?

Ready!

Stan

Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]

Cartman

[mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!

Stan

Cut! Cartman!

Cartman

What?

Stan

It's supposed to be a frog!

Cartman

I know that!

Stan

Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

Cartman

[thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!

Kyle

Der, Cartman!

Cartman

Der yourself, hippie!

Kyle

Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.

Stan

Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?

Cartman

I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

Stan

Action!

Cartman

Screw you guys...

BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!

Stan

Hey, Cartman!

Cartman

What?

Stan

Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?

Cartman

[finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.

Kyle

Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!

Cartman

Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.

Stan

Give us some, Cartman!

[turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!

Kyle

Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.

Stan

Dude, the road is always snowy.

Kyle

I know, but, it's really snowy today.

Cartman

[now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]

Stan

Shut up, Cartman!

Stan

Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.

Kyle

Oh, she would, dude. She would.

GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

Stan

Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.

Cartman

[exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.

Kyle

Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!

[spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]

Aaggh!

Kyle

I'm scared!

Be quiet, kid!

Aggghhhh!

Hello children, how is your summer going?

Stan

Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle

Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?

Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan

That's good.

Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle

Yep.

Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan

Right.

Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Now, children, you know I rarely say this, but well... fudge ya.[hangs up, goes back to singing] 🎵 Simultaneous, you and me! 🎵

Kyle

What did he say?

Stan

Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.

Cartman

Wow!

Kyle

How's that going to help?

Stan

Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!

Kyle

I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.

Stan

I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.

Kyle

Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!

Cartman

Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!

Stan

Jesus, Cartman!

Cartman

[his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.

Serves you right, you little brat!

Stan

Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]

If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!

Stan

I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!

We're watching this!

Stan

Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]