CartmanWhat the hell are you guys doing?
Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.
Cartman
[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here? He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!
I told you, Cartman, I'm not one of them. I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!
Cartman
Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?
Cartman
Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Jinger! Admit it!
No way, dude! I'm NOT one of them, okay?! I'm not going to tell you my secret!
[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]
Cartman
Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!
We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!
Cartman
OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Cartman
[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!
Cartman
[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!
You get in trouble again, Cartman?
Cartman
NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Cartman
Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?
Cartman
Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!
Cartman
YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!
Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?
Cartman
Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!
That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman
Go look for yourselves!!
[The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in from of the chart that Cartman had mentioned.]
Cartman
There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?
Is that really all our wiener sizes!?
Cartman
Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!
Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.
Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]
I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]
[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.
Cartman
[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!
[curious and confused] A conspiracy?
CCassie
They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!
Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.
Cartman
Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!
Cartman
Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!
Cartman
For what?!
Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?
Cartman
[points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Cartman
I don't care if Obama is president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!
Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
Cartman
You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!
The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!
Cartman
What?
We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Cartman
Those weren't our dick sizes?
WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?
Cartman
I don't know! Why would you?!
Cartman
[gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's... because of me?
THIS is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Cartman
Oh, God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
Cartman
[points at her] FUCK YOU! NO, I DON'T!
WWorker
Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
TTherapist
Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [a gunshot is audibly heard on the other end] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
Cartman
[calmly, but with a visible look of anger] I'm not fat. I'm big boned.
[While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]
Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]
[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!
But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!
Dude. Have you been drinking?
You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?
See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]
Cartman
Everything alright here, Kyle?
Cartman
We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.
Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of shit, though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him this time]
Eric, as you might've heard, a student here at South Park Elementary, had an accident in the classroom.
Cartman
I know, dude, Pete Melman crapped his pants! So freakin' funny!
Okay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him, it's embarrassing and terrifying.
Cartman
Right, that's why it's super funny to me.
Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here at school. Now, you remember what happened to him?
Cartman
Yeah, he killed himself.
Cartman
“Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”
Cartman
“Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”
"Dude, shut your fucking mouth."
Cartman
Ugh... what!? [stands up] What's going on?!?
M1Man 1
The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!
(it starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away)
Cartman
It's raining frogs! [finds Kyle, who is climbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs!?
[bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes! It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.
Cartman
So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.
That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!
Cartman
Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!
Cartman
What does that mean?
It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.
Cartman
Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?
Cartman
You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick!
[Kyle gets angry]
Oh yeah, you're going to find out what's gonna happen!
Cartman
Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why?! What are you doing?!
This is what God told us to do!
Cartman
No, Kyle! I don't believe you!
You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]
Cartman
Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]
K1Kid 1
What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]
Cartman
Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child]
CMChild Mom
Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]
Cartman
Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]
M2Man 2
[holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!?
Cartman
No! The bread's all flat! Nooo! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Noooooo! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]
PPharaoh
Son! We were wrong! I was wrong!
Cartman
We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Noooo!
[his head explodes, and the Pharaoh cries in despair]
[Outside Backcountry Adventures]
Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
G1Guide 1
[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about forty-five minutes.
It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Cartman
Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
[The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.]
Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
M3Man 3
Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Cartman
Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Cartman
Yeah.
Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Cartman
Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
G1Guide 1
Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Well? How was it, Cartman?
Cartman
Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really???
Cartman
Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the firsts too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
