Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Butters

I don't play World of Warcraft.

Cartman

Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.

Butters

Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.

Cartman

[sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.

Butters

Oh...alright then.

Cartman

Alright, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!

Stan

You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!

Cartman

It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!

What, hon?

Cartman

Bathroom! Bathroom!

Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]

Cartman

Alright, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.

Cartman

We did it, you guys. We're totally heroes.

Kyle

That was such über pwnage.

Stan

I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?

Cartman

What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.

Kyle

Oh, yeah.

Cartman

Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your hotbar.

Stan

Got it.

Cartman

Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?

Kyle

Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!

Cartman

Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?!

Kyle

Yes, I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.

Stan

Yeah, at least one fourth.

Kyle

Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's one fourth.

Cartman

Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!

What?

Cartman

You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!

[holds up hall pass] It's right here.

Cartman

Alright, cool, bro. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]

What, you can't just push me up against the--

Kyle

[to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?

Stan

Sure, dude.

Kyle

I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?

Kyle

My little brother and his teach—-

Cartman

Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?

Kyle

Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!

Stan

Dude, what's the matter?

Kyle

The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.

Stan

Wow.

Kenny

Really?!

Cartman

Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.

Kyle

It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!

Cartman

What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.

Kyle

[sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?

Cartman

Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

Stan

Dude, I really don't see a problem.

Cartman

Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.

Kyle

You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!

Kyle

And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!

Cartman

They what?

Kyle

They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!

Cartman

[turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.

Kyle

Well, they're doing it.

Cartman

Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!

Cartman

'Kay, so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God, you should've been there.

Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.

Cartman

What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!

I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.

Cartman

Aw, suck my balls, you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie! Who the fuck do you think you are?!

Cartman

I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.

Do we still press charges?

Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.

Kyle

[to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!

Cartman

I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself!

Cartman

Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?

Stan

It's still three weeks.

Cartman

Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?

Kyle

Will you shut up already?

Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

Butters

Oh, boy!

Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!

Cartman

Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]

Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.

Bark-bark. Hello, Eric, I have missed you.

Cartman

Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.

Hey kid, somebody's on the phone for you.

Cartman

Hello?

[on phone] Hello? Hello?

I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait for two months. Do you hear me?

Cartman

Aw, suck my balls, Kyle. [ends call, gives phone back to clerk and leaves]

Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.

Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.

Cartman

Oh, oh- did I hurt his little feelings? Ha ha ha!

You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.

Cartman

Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!

Cartman

Barely!

No matter how you act, I can rise above it!

Cartman

"Rise above it!" Get it?

[his face is now blushing in anger] SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

Mr. Nelson!

Cartman

Look, look how his face is all red. He's like a little strawberry.

Arrgh!

[after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.

Cartman

Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?

Now you know how it feels.

You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!

Cartman

All right, all right, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Cartman

You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!

Stan

Whatcha do to Butters this time?

Cartman

It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]

Stan

Dude!

Cartman

I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!

Stan

Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?

Cartman

Because that makes Butters gay now!

Kyle

No, dude, that makes you gay!

Cartman

Uh, what?

Kyle

You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!

Cartman

[looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.

Kyle

Yeah-huh!

Cartman

Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?

Kenny

Ha ha, that makes you totally fucking gay.

Cartman

But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!

Stan

You are now.

Cartman

No--no, it was a stupid mistake!

Kyle

Doesn't matter. You're gay now.

Cartman

No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?

Stan

You can't!

Kyle

No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.

Cartman

How?

Kyle

The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.

Cartman

[in low voice] Really?

Kyle

Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.

Cartman

Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]

Kyle

Idiot.