Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Cartman

I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.

Uh, isn't that like terrorism?

Cartman

Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

Kyle

Cartman! You fucking fat ass!

Cartman

How the hell did you get out?

Kyle

That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!

Cartman

Oh, goddamn it! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

Kyle

Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?

Cartman

It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!

[recognises the treasure Cartman defecated] Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.

Cartman

That's right, and I... [realises what the tour guide just said] Fake treasure?

Yeah. We put it there in the cave to get your picture with. All and all, I say that treasure is worth about $14.

Cartman

No. NOOOO!!! [Cartman defecates more of the fake treasure] OWWW! OHHHH!!!

Kyle

[angrily] You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!

Cartman

DON'T YOU THINK I'M HURTING ENOUGH, KYLE?! ARGH!! ARGH!! [Cartman painfully defecates more fake treasure] OWWWW!!!

Kyle

It's half-man, and half-bearpig.

Cartman

No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!

Kyle

That doesn't make any sense.

Stan

It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

I can get you all excused from school.

Cartman

You...have that kind of power?

Cartman

I just...I really need the support of my best friend right now.

Jimmy

Who's your best friend?

Cartman

You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!

Jimmy

What's my last name?

Cartman

[pause] Goddamn it.

Cartman

Alright, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.

Kenny

Fuck you.

I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.

Cartman

[in British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.

It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.

Cartman

[looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?

Cartman

You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married, and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

[horrified] Why, you...you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!

[calmly] Eric, naughty.

[picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would--

Cartman

Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!

That's it! I'm not doing this!

Oh, but we really need some help.

Find yourself another nanny... television show!

And then we'll go to Target, and...I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?

Cartman

Could I have...two Mega Rangers?

You can have anything you want, dear.

Cartman

[as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?

Kyle

[as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!

Cartman

[approaches] Okay, I'm back.

Stan

[as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!

Cartman

Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!

Kyle

If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!

Cartman

Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!

Kenny

[as a human hunter; muffled] I think Kyle has sweet titties! [laughs]

Cartman

Heh heh, totally!

Kyle

Wow, look at all these people playing right now!

Cartman

Yeah, it's bullcrap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!

Cartman

If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?

I'm just going to stop playing.

Cartman

When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?

No.

Cartman

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?

Okay, alright, I'll do it!

Stan! Stan!

Stan

Dad, not now!

Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!

Stan

How did you get that?!

No time! Just take it! Here!

Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?

Stan

Bring up your inventory screen, Ctrl-I!

Okay...

Cartman

Stan, what the hell are you doing?!

Stan

[receives sword] I got it!

Stan

Dad!

[weakly] Staaaan...

Stan

[to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!

Cartman

His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!

Cartman

Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]