Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Butters

[singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...

Cartman

Butters.

Butters

Whoa, hey, Eric.

Cartman

Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.

Butters

A surprise? What is it?

Cartman

It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!

Butters

Oh, boy!

Cartman

You ready?

Butters

Y-yeah!

Cartman

Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!

Butters

Oh, okay!

Cartman

Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]

Butters

How come, uh, I can't see?

Cartman

'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]

Butters

Oh, uh, ho, yeah.

Cartman

[under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.

Butters

[warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?

Cartman

I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]

Butters

Okay!

Cartman

All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.

Butters!

Cartman

Uh! [dresses quickly]

Butters

Whoa! Hey, Dad!

Butters! What are you doing?!

Butters

I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]

Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]

Butters

[looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?

[quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?

Butters

Like what?

Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.

Butters

What's...bi-curious?

You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.

What's going on, you two?

Butters

Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]

Stan

Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]

Kyle

Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]

Cartman

Where is it, you filthy Jew?!

Kyle

[throws up the ball] Where's what?

Cartman

[grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!

Kyle

Let go of me!

Stan

What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman

I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!

Kyle

Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!

Cartman

[rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!

Kyle

I don't have it!

Cartman

[stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.

Kyle

Shut up.

Cartman

You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!

Cartman

Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]

All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.

Cartman

Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Cartman

We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.

Kenny

What?! Fuck you!

Cartman

All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]

Kenny

[unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

Cartman

...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!

Uh...don't you think that's....

Cartman

No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can buckskin kill you!

Cartman

[happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!

Oh. my God!

Cartman

[jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny

Yes!

Stan

That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle

Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.

Is that...is that some spare change?

Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.

Spare some of that change, sir?

But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]

Spare some change?

It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.

Chaaaaange?

Kyle

What's it doing?

It's dying.

Cartman

Cool.

Spare any change, sir?

Cartman

No! Back off! [slams the door]

[writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--

Cartman

Dick tits!

[pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--

Cartman

Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--

Cartman

Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

Cartman

[in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--

Cartman

Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle

Will you knock it off already?!

Cartman

Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle

Don't push me, asshole!

Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!

Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.

Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]

Well, Kyle?

Kyle

[through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.

Cartman

What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

Kyle

I'm sorry!

Cartman

You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--

Kyle

I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]

Cartman

Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]

Sheila

Oh, thank you, Eric.

Cartman

Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!

Cartman

Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman

Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls! [audience applauds] And I also wanna say that [revealed that he made the whole thing up.] I'm making all this up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on?

Uh, it's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?

Cartman

No hey ut what, what I meant to say was "asslicker cumballs." And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth]

Ewwww!

Cartman

So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]

Why don't you take a seat?

Cartman

No, I don't want to take a seat.

Have a seat.

Cartman

No, I'm just going to--

Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]

Cartman

How does he do that?

You know, one time, I was doing a show called To Catch a Predator, and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on Dateline. So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on Dateline. It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.

Cartman

I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]

Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Cartman

No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]

I'm sorry, young man.

Cartman

Kyle?

Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.

Cartman

[enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!

He's gone, little boy.

Cartman

[to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!

Charging.

Cartman

Do it!

Cartman

Come on, buddy.

Clear.

Cartman

Come on, buddy.

Cartman

Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]

Cartman

Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]

If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?

Kyle

Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]

[touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]

Cartman

So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...

Kyle

[snaps] Just let it go already, you asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER. EVER. Going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!