Family Guy · Season 4
[Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]
All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
Um... $675, Bob.
$675. Stephen?
Uh, $780.
$780. Tammy?
What was the last bid?
$780.
$781.
Fuck you!
[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
[both laugh]
I don't know, man! It's his wife!
You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
[laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! [laughs]
You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles!
[both laugh]
If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak!
[both laugh harder]
And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island".
[in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water]
You think we should be this far out?
Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.
[sounds like Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.
[prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.
[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]
Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.
[amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!
[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]
I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.
That's fine.
No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]
[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny?
[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith]
Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits.
Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's sneezing powder.
[Stewie laughing]
But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale.
[Stewie laughing]
No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you".
[Stewie laughing]
[cut back to Stewie and Brian]
Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time... [runs off]
All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids!
[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.
Stewie. Uh, hey.
Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry.
Oh. Well, alright then. [drinks his orange juice] Mmm, that's good OJ. [angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding] Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?!
What the hell?!
Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian and throws him aside] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
Oh, my god!
Yeah, that's what happens! [punches Brian twice] Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! [grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it] Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! [throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water] You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock!
You freakin' psychopath!
[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves] Yeah, clean yourself up.
[scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]
All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
Thanks, Regis.
Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]
(in the state of shock) I...don't...believe it.
Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!
Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
That's you.
Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
[at home]
Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".
[cut to "Jeopardy!"]
All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]
Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.
[taking a pregnancy test] Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
That's Street Fighter.
Red, blue, green...
Those are colors.
(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Chris, we all love your hat.
Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.
Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
[within the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
Uh, okay.
Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.
[recognizing him] Kermit the Frog?
[gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
What's his appeal?
Alright, let's get out of here.
Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]
l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
[after a car crashes into his house] Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
