BWBetty White
Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.
S4Peterotica
S4You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives
She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.
CClassmate
What? Kick them around?
Um, wait...yes.
[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]
Matthew McConaughey?
MMcConaughey
Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.
[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]
Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.
But I...
Grab his legs!
[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]
S4Petergeist
[as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!
I'll tell you what's not safe: Goin' huntin' with Dick Cheney.
[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]
So, y'all set to go huntin'? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]
CCheney
Sorry, I thought you were a deer.
[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]
CTCarrot Top
What the hell? How did you find me?
[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses] I found this saw with glasses on it.
CTCarrot Top
[takes the saw] Oh, that's my "See"-saw!
[Peter laughs]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fuckin' funny! You are so - Goddamn you for being so funny! [laughs again] Oh, my God!
S4Untitled Griffin Family History
[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]
Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?
[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]
They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.
The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.
What?!
Did not care for The Godfather.
How can you even say that?
Didn’t-didn’t like it.
Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!
I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.
Why not?
Couldn’t get into it.
Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?
It insists upon itself, Lois.
What?
It insists upon itself.
What does that even mean?
‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!
It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.
You’ve never seen the ending?!
Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.
I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-
Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.
I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.
They’re speaking Italian!
The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.
I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.
Exactly.
Well, there ya go.
Whatever.
I like that movie, too.
S4Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story
[Stewie and Brian are playing Pac-Man while intoxicated]
Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit.
I'm not gonna get the fruit.
Get the fruit
I-I can't get the fruit.
Get the fruit man!
[angrily] I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE!
Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
Did I miss my cue?
[in the bar]
Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!
Peter, is there anything else you want to say?
Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]
[laughs] Oh, Peter!
Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]
That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.