TV show quotes
Hey, you wanna see a movie?
Nah, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a school girl bang an octopus!
[while high fiving] Yeah!
[sliding onto the screen, while speaking in Japanese] おいで 抱きしめて 上げるよ! (Come on! I'll hug you and lift you up!) Suction cup feel goooood!
[An anime school girl slides onto the screen while the octopus goes after her]
[high-pitched] Hiiiiiiiiii!
Hmmmm, ha, ha, haayy!
Lois is sitting on the couch, watching TV]
We now return to True Blood.
Hi, I'm a nude vampire.
Hi, I'm a nude werewolf.
And that's the show!
Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on.
[offscreen] Coming! [He sneaks to the top of the stairs. He takes a piece of sandpaper from his pocket and sands the soles of his shoes. He then attempts to extremely slowly descend down the stairs, but slips on the first step while screaming and grunting] FUCK! FUCK! GODDAMN IT! FUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' COCK! FUCK! DAMN IT!
Oh, my God, Peter! Are you okay?
NO, I AM NOT OKAY! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!
Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.
Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on a telephone pole?
[spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.
Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?
[cuts the wire] Check.
Sexy Peter distracting the guards?
[dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime!
Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist?
[shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.
Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is?
[appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.
Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out?
[slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!
Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house?
[shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!
Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong? [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]
[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]
Are they not seein' this?
I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.
Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.
Can we say that?
Just did.
[Billy and Peter both in the bathroom, Peter is naked]
Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?
Yes.
Where... where is it?
It's in there.
Are you sure, so it's like Snuffleupagus down there, is it?
Oh, to hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.
I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]
Go on then. We're both men.
Well... alright I guess.
There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th - WOAH! Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it! [laughs again]
What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?
I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?
Good evening, Quahog. Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner, which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
That's right, Joyce, Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country after a banner of their's caused the bus to drive off a bridge, tragically killing all the teenagers onboard. Many of the students tweeted about the accident as it was happening; we have a few here. From @jenny94: "Water seriously cold, yo!" Here's @theted69: "I'm gonna survive this, lol, jk." JK indeed.
I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!
Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.
[scene fades. Quagmire nervously leans in the bubbly bath, looking down as the soap bubble around him floats higher]
THIS IS WORSE, PETER!
Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.
[everyone cheers as Chris and Yamamoto furiously eat their hot dogs]
Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on!
Ohh... I can't eat anymore!
Remember what I told you...
[a dream cloud comes as Chris remembers his father's words]
I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.
He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hot dogs, then Yamamoto does the same]
[the buzzer beeps]
We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!
[the crowd cheers as Yamamoto sadly leaves]
[picks up Chris] Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies!
[there are four fat models]
They're shiny.
Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.
What's going on here?
Hey fat ass! [Yamamoto looks on Stewie] I got news for you, the news of the world! [zooms in on the album and Yamamoto gets scared]
Agh! Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past?
[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]
I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.
Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.
[Lois covers her ears in bed. Zooms out to Peter hold a gigantic plume feather in the form of a quill pen, and begins to write]
"Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.
[sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed.
[writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."
[Lois leaves the en-suite, then stops. Zoom out and Peter is on his twin bed next to Quagmire]
Peter, what's going on?
Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.
[giggly] You can't be serious.
[deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–
Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.
Okay, that's the one thing that's not.
Yeah, it's not strange.
I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]
[to Peter] It's not strange.
I know.
[on the phone] I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wrist-watch. You can have one of them.
Drakkar Noir
These guys are serious. [to Lois] Lois, Meg's dead!
Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
