Mrs. Prevert quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

[screaming] ADAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'm cleaning the windows...

NO, YOU'RE NOT!

But we agreed for ten dollars I'd clean the windows.

ADAM, WHEN YOU WASH THE WINDOWS, YOU SHUT THEM FIRST!

You're the one inside, you do that!

YOU'RE FIRED! [slams the window]

First she yells at me, then she fires me, my own mother! [Points the sprayer at the camera. The screen turns to static]

[voiceover] ALL RIGHT! ADAM, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE FIRED!

Mom! What are you doing?

Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.

Mom, you're ruining them!

(faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.

That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.

...Okay, maybe I won't then.

Wise move.

Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!

Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.

But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?

Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.

I dreamed I was adopted!

Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.

No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!

You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.

Really?

Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.

(brings out birthday cake) Okay Dougie, make a wish and blow them out!

Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?

I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!

(to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?

Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!

Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!

Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...

Mother, not in front of my friends!...

Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!

Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.

D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

(angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!

Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?

No way!

Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.

Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.

That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.

No! Say "Trick or Treat"!

Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!

Now give us the candy.

No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!

Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.

Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.

Yeah, that's right.

You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.

Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.

Really, dear?

That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

(on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.

(to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!

Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.

Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.

For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a festival featuring the Iranian String Quartet.

(to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.

Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?

[sighing] Yes, Mom...

Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!

Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!

Yes.

Yes, what?

Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...

Oh no, too late!

Chris, you were our first child!

[Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!

And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...

Third time lucky, Mom?

No, actually, Ted, you were another first.

All right!

...Our first big mistake.

Ta da! Wakey wakey!

Happy Children's Day Christian.

Wow, breakfast in bed?

Yes, and we have some presents for you. Don't we Lance?

Wow!

Children's Day is our day to show our appreciation for kids.

Oh thanks mom. Thanks dad.

Hey, what's on the TV? No work today! Nothing but fun, fun fun fun!

Well I'm glad that's over. Let's get this out of here. (takes the TV away as Mrs. Prevert takes away the presents.) Now, you are going to clean my car. You are going to paint the house, put out the garbage, scrub the cess pool and then go to school.

What's so wrong about having a Kids Day anyway? I mean, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. There's even a Groundhog's Day!

Christian, every day is Children's Day and you're spoiled enough as it is!

Oh, that's what you're always trying to tell--

(dumps the cereal on Christian's head) There.

Dump it! (dumps the rest of the breakfast on Christian.) Now you lazy little slob, clean up that mess! (he and Mrs. Prevert leave)

Oh great!

You know, Jill, I think it was very nice and generous of the audience to give you all those tomatoes tonight, dear.

[hiding in the back seat] Mother, they didn't GIVE me the tomatoes, they THREW them at me! [sits up to reveal that she is covered with squashed tomatoes]

True.

They didn't like my solo. Mother, everyone thinks I'm a failure, don't you understand?!

Jill, Jill, that is not true, not everybody threw somethin' at you. The Wildermeyers were there...

That's right.

They never tossed nothin'.

Oh, look!

They just pulled up to the stoplight! Hey Wildermeyer, over here! Yeah! How ya doin'? Yeah, we need a little confidence buildin'. My daughter Jill wants to know, what did ya think of her song?

(filming the pots and pans on the stove, which are boiling over, with a video camera) And... Cue!

(enters the kitchen, sees the pots and pans boiling over, and shrieks) My dinner party... ruined! Jennifer, how could you?!

How could I what?

You said you would watch the pots and pans!

Well, yes, I was watching them. Better than that, I was videotaping them!

Then WHY didn't you turn them OFF?

Well, you said to watch the pots and pans. You said nothing about turning them off when they started to boil over. Say what you mean, Mom.

(in bed) Mom, Dad, can I have a glass of water?

(enters bedroom carrying water glass) You know, Amy, you're a big girl, you could be doing this your-... AMY! You wet the bed again! You're supposed to be a big girl, young lady! I'm going to have to put you back into diapers!

But Mom, it wasn't me, it...

Now, Amy, don't lie to me. If you didn't wet this bed, who did?

Well... I don't know...

Now look what you've done, young lady. (holds out water glass to Amy) Drink?