Adam quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Hey, Adam?

Yes, Christine?

Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Are you finished?!!

Hey, Lisa?

What?!

Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

...Yeah, I know.

You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

LISA!!!

Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

What's the matter, Mom, why are you screaming?

I'm screaming because of the beatles!

I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts, but that was a long time ago! Besides, you're not playing any of their music.

No, I'm not screaming because of those Beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam screams and gets on the chair as well.)

Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.

Alanis

The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?

Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.

Alanis

[running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]

[trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!

[getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!

Okay, what do we call (the band)?

Beats me.

No, I don't really like the sound of that. Adam, do you have any ideas?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

No, no, Adam, that's too intellectual. Alanis, you must have a good idea?

Alanis

I don't know.

Alanis

[angrily] Alasdair, you did that on PURPOSE! Now I will hate you.

No! Alanis, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed---

Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes? [shaking Alasdair's hand] Put 'er there, buddy!

Swell. [to Alanis] You okay?

All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.

Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!

Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...

Oh, thank you, sir...

I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.

But sir, it really IS my birthday today!

Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.

("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.

(rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.

("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!

And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!

(leaving detention room) Bye!

And have a good day.

Children! We're home from the convention!

Hi kids!

Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

They'll kill us!

(sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Well...

Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis

Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.

Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.

You must mean money, Adam.

No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--

That's "paranoia", Adam.

Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--

That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.

Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.

What's that? What's happening?!

[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]

Ross, are you okay?

Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.

Oh, Adam, how did the part-time job at the parking garage go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I was driving this customer's Porsche into the garage to see how fast it would go. Only problem was, it ended up parked on top of another car. You think they'd realized I just showed them how to fit twice as many cars into the garage! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fired me.

Adam, how did the job at the fast food place go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Well, you see, they kept yelling at me to serve the food faster, and I did. I served the food faster than anybody else did. Only trouble was it didn't get cooked first.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd realize the money they could save by serving the hamburgers raw. But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Adam! How was the job at the car wash today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

You see, there was this Mercedes with an electric sunroof. I accidentally pushed the button to open the sunroof just as it was going into the car wash. You think they'd realized I'd just shown them a way to clean the inside of the car as the same time of the outside. But, no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Adam, how was the house painting job today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Oh, dear, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I got this spray gun and I was able to spray paint faster than anybody else and more than anybody else. Well, they got upset because I accidentally spray painted the cat, the window panes, the flowers, the lady of the house, and part of the new Mercedes.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd have given me a bonus for being fast! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Well, how did the dog-walking job go today, Adam?

[takes the bone out of his mouth] It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Well, you see, they ask me to walk their prize-winning pedigree dogs just before the dog show. I thought they looked, a little bit bored, so I took them on a rabbit hunt, you know, through the woods, across some ditches. So what if they got a little bit messy? You think their owners would be pleased that their precious little dogs had more fun that afternoon than they ever did in their entire lives! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they threatened to sue me!

[screaming] ADAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'm cleaning the windows...

NO, YOU'RE NOT!

But we agreed for ten dollars I'd clean the windows.

ADAM, WHEN YOU WASH THE WINDOWS, YOU SHUT THEM FIRST!

You're the one inside, you do that!

YOU'RE FIRED! [slams the window]

First she yells at me, then she fires me, my own mother! [Points the sprayer at the camera. The screen turns to static]

[voiceover] ALL RIGHT! ADAM, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE FIRED!

(Addressing Adam as Moses): Moses, find thee a hammer and chisel and set down on tablets of stone.

I will, Lord. Then what?

Bring them to the children of Israel. They have been misbehaving lately.

But what if they don't follow them, Lord?

Then you have my permission to discipline them. Take away their dessert and turn off the TV set.

But, Lord, TV won't be invented for 2,000 years to come.

Oh, darn. I was looking forward to The Cosby Show tomorrow.

[As Moses, carving the commandments] Ah, Lord?

Yes, Moses?

I'm a little hungry. Could I have something to eat?

Have this manna, Moses. [A couple of burgers fall down.] Bon appetit.

Thank you, Lord. [He takes a bite out of one] This manna's gross, Lord! Where'd you get it?

By a manna merchant named Bartholomew.

Perhaps you can include it as one of the Seven Plagues of the Pharaoh, Lord.

Duuuuhhhh, I heard thee!