Mrs. Prevert quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Okay then, Ed, you can pick me up by eight? Okay, bye-bye. [She hangs up.]

Wait a minute, did I hear that right?

What?

You just told Ed to pick you up at eight.

Yeah, so?

Well, half an hour ago, you told him to pick you up at six.

Oh, that was a different Ed.

You mean to say that you're going out with two boys named Ed?

Haven't you heard? "Two Eds are better than one"?

Dad, who's the most popular person among all your friends?

Well, I would say...

Whoever's buying the next round of drinks.

That last skit is very important. It helps to prove how one can not always believe how surveys say. For all we know, the people at home filling out the ballots may simply be a bunch of uneducated buffoons.

OH, NO, NO! I didn't mean to say that! Oh, who wrote the cue cards?!

That girl just called me an uneducated buffoon. I am not voting for her.

I always thought she was remarkably perceptive.

Uh oh...

Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!

Uh, no Mom!

Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.

I've got a boy in here with me!

Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.

Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!

Just as it was getting interesting!

What do we do now?

Got any cards?

Lisa, how many times do I have to tell you, dear? It is impolite to interrupt. You must wait your turn.

But when does my turn come?

Here. [He takes a card from a stand on the table.] Take a number.

3,796?!

Yep.

What's your number?

[holding up his card] 2.

So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

How many times do I have to tell you...

Aw, Mom...

Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!

But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!

"Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

What's the matter, Mom, why are you screaming?

I'm screaming because of the beatles!

I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts, but that was a long time ago! Besides, you're not playing any of their music.

No, I'm not screaming because of those Beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam screams and gets on the chair as well.)

Children! We're home from the convention!

Hi kids!

Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

They'll kill us!

(sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Well...

Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis

Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.

Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!

You need the Jiffy Genie!

Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?

In a flash, ma'am!

[Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!

[To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

Yes, dear?

Alanis

Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.

Oh, I certainly will! Oh!

Alanis

No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...

Alanis

(Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!

(entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!

We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!

My nose, my body aches all over!

Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)

Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.

(returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)

Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!

I think I'd rather go to school.

Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!

What is this?!

Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.

Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.

Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!

(scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)

Bye!

Nice boy.

Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.

Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.

What?

(pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.

(he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.

Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.

I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)

Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?

Yes mom!

Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.

Alanis

Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.

Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!

Young man, I certainly hope that washing your mouth off with this soap has taught you about using that kind of language.

I'm gonna be using that kind of language more from now on.

WHAT?! Didn't this teach you a lesson?

It sure did.

What's that?

I love the taste of soap, it's fabulous.