Mr. Schidtler quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Alright, now, class, I have read your all your essay assignments about what you did this summer on your vacations. Now, my revenge. Kevin, the light switch, please.

Thank you. Alright, now here we go. Ah, there it is. That's my wife Cecily and my little nephew Tyler at the airport on the way to Mexico.

Okay, if whoever stole those exams is not going to fess up, then I am going to turn that light out and I turn the light back on, I want to see those exams on my desk.

Okay, you will also return the light bulb.

And my chair!

Justin! Lisa! [he grabs the note] Passing little notes again. How many times have I warned you? Well, I'm gonna fix you two. I'm gonna read this little love note to the entire class.

"Class dismissed."

I know where the school board finds them. I'm gonna start sending them back.

Alasdair, Christine and Kevin. Sounds like a folk song.

Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?

That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.

GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]

[puzzled] ...Was it something I said?

So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?

Oh! Sir!

Schenk?

We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

Jami! Are you smoking?

No sir, I'm Burning.

Oh! Oh! Oh! [grabs pail of water and dumps it over Jami's head; throws the rest of it on Kevin, who is sitting behind Jami]

I'm JAMI Burning! That's my name, stupid!

Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.

Excuse me, sir?

Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?

Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?

Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!

Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.

I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!

That way or the right way, sir?

Uh, Dad?

What?

Can you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?

Well, our TV isn't busted. Now shut up, Martin, I'm trying to watch the fight.

Dad, if our TV set isn't busted, I have to write a homework assignment on the opera that just started on PBS.

(quickly grabbing a pad and pencil) What's your teacher's name?

Here you go, sir.

Well, this is amazing. Must be an epidemic. All you kids come from homes where the TV set broke down last night.

All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.

Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.

I think it's a terrific homework assignment.

But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Sir? Sir?

What is it, Lisa?

Sir, how come you never went on educational television?

Because I can't make letters appear above my head.

Oh. [Suddenly an O appears above Lisa and drops onto her.]

All right class, now your homework assignment for tonight. I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. Okay, that's it. Class dismissed.

That lousy creep giving us an assignment like that. It's not fair.

I thought that was a pretty good homework assignment.

No, it wasn't, it was a lousy homework assignment.

What, watching television?

Exactly. You know I never do any of my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV shows.

Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Christine?

I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Lisa?

[excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

Well, we have a few seconds before the end of class. Could anyone tell me who "Paffloff" was?

He was a scientist who worked with dogs.

Very good. And, you know, by making his dogs respond to the sound of a bell, Pavlov was able to prove that any animal, no matter how intelligent, could be conditioned.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I rest my case.