You Can't Do That on Television · 355 quotesSome people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]
Lines by Christine 17
[seeing the money the "network people" left on the link set] These network people treat money as if it were toilet paper!
On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]
When my dad tried to give up smoking, he offered me a dollar every time I caught him with a cigarette. I've never been so rich in my life.
[after begin watered]
It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.
[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]
(sipping from a glass of milk) Ahh - milk. Just chock full of vitamins and minerals, and protein, which is very good for your ha- (remembering that when she mentioned earlier that eating eggs is good for your hair, an egg was dropped on her, she thinks of something else) ... uh, your skin! Good for your skin. (she is drenched with a shower of milk from above) ... Whoever writes these clever little ditties should be advised that writing may be hazardous to your health. (takes out a gun and points it at the camera)
My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."
[holding up a video game cartridge] Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...
[She is cut off by a musical fanfare and yellow screen reading "THE END."]
[voiceover, over "THE END" screen] Okay, which one of you guys out there has one of these cartridges? Aw, c'mon, you guys, I didn't think they were on the market yet! Okay, a joke's a joke, but, let's get back to the show now. Okay, it was funny at first, but... [screen fades out]
Anyway, what do you think of fads and fashions? I thought this would be the perfect chance to take the roving camera to Paris to find out. No such good luck. They sent me to Massapequa, Long Island instead.
You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.
[Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."
[Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.
You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.
You know, the producers on this show, they collect things, too... idiots.
Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime--
[Christine gets slimed.]
You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time.
More You Can't Do That on Television characters
All You Can't Do That on Television quotes →
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.