Alasdair quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

You know, Barthy runs a pretty clean place here.

Clean? You call this place clean? Why, even the rats wouldn't be caught dead here.

Yeah, and if they did, they'd end up in the burger mix, anyway.

Christine, you know that producers' books about etiquette and manners? Well, what does it say about that green slime they're always dumping on us?

Ah, you almost caught me. You almost got me, but I'll look it up in the book.

G, okay. Garbage, gobbledygook, gag-- green slime. Okay. [reads] "I don't know."

You know, they're getting sneaky about this green slime stuff.

Do you still think you could be a doctor when you grow up, Kevin?

Sure do. Check this out. (He writes something on a paper, than hands it to Alasdair.)

I can't a word of this writing.

Well, I'm halfway there already.

What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.

Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.

Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?

"Backpack-Man", of course.

Of course.

[ripping a piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest] Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!

Boy, Alasdair, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?

[grabs Vanessa by the neck and starts to strangle her] VANESSA!!!!!!

Ready... aim... (he pulls out a pie from behind his back) eat!

Christine's homemade pie?! Come on, I don't wanna die a slow, agonizing, painful death! Come on, shoot me! Come on, have mercy!

Alright. Amigos, we'll show him some mercy. (chuckles) Ready, aim... (he pulls out another pie) Lisa's pie!

You're cruel! You're-- the Geneva Convention should have something to say about cruelty like this! Shoot me, please! Come on, amigos! Fire! Fire!

Yes?

Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.

Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)

Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen!

It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

You know what your trouble is?

Our trouble is you can't break 100,000.

Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition.

You have no idea what it's like being a kid today!

Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous.

In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer.

Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech.

Recreology, oceanography.

Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary.

Oh it sure is.

Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up.

Yeah.

By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise?

I think I'd like to be a doctor.

I think I've decided to be a lawyer.

Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!

Why, what were you wearing?

Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...

Oh, well that explains it, then.

Explains what?

Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.

Oh, Christine?

Yes, Lisa?

Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.

I thought so.

What do you mean?

All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."

I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Oh yeah? Was he busy?

No. Who wants less than five presents?

Okay, it has 11 letters, it begins with S, and when--

Wait a minute, Alasdair. What are you doing?

I'm giving my report, sir.

Your assignment was to give me a review of A Christmas Carol.

Well, that's right, and "Silent Night"'s my favorite Christmas carol.

Not a Christmas carol, A Christmas Carol! By Charles Dickens!

I've never heard of him, sir, but maybe if you sung a couple of lines, it might come back to me.

Alasdair, if you had to describe today's politicians in one word, what would it be?

How about "unethical"?

Close, but not quite.

How about "unscrupulous"?

Even worse.

Even worse... how about "slimy"?

I said "slimy", not "slime me", you idiot!

Alasdair, are you watching another one of those violent war movies again?

But, mom, I--

How many times have I told you I do not want to see violence on television? (She slaps him.) Besides, (slap) there's too much (slap) violence (slap) on television! (slap)

I know, mom, you're being violent...

..and we're on television!

Oh. Hello.

I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

What was that?

The producer. They just told him.

I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

That half.

(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Oh Barth... you didn't!

What are you talking about?

You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)