Chris quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.

You must mean money, Adam.

No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--

That's "paranoia", Adam.

Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--

That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.

Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.

What's that? What's happening?!

[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]

Ross, are you okay?

Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.

Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?

No way!

Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.

Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.

That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.

No! Say "Trick or Treat"!

Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!

Now give us the candy.

No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!

Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

This'll teach us never to slime poor Ross again!

We will never be so horrible to Ross again!

We will never slime Mr. Ewich again!

Wait, wait, you guys what are we doing?

We must be crazy! (They all groan in pain)

I never knew I could paddle that hard. Boy, my kids are gonna hate me.

Before I sit down again, I need to cool my rear end in a bucket of water. [She gets drenched] Wrong end! [She bends over]

I can hardly wait to get slimed!

Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?

Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.

Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!

Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"

We don't know!

Guess what... I don't know!

If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...

...the Introduction to the Opposites!

I got more than you.

Chris, you were our first child!

[Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!

And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...

Third time lucky, Mom?

No, actually, Ted, you were another first.

All right!

...Our first big mistake.

Wash on, wash off. Wash on, wash off.

I've seen the movie. This is going to turn me into a big karate champion right?

No! Turn you into car wash attendant!

Wait a minute. Can we stop this scene? That joke was stupid! It didn't have any punchline. Can we do it over?

No punchline?

No punchline. I already told you! What are you deaf?

[punches Chris in the face] That was punchline!

Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television. And since today's show is about generosity, I thought I'd be real nice and generous and let someone introduce the show, so... Patrick, you're my friend.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Chris! Oh, I don't know a more generous person than you-