Ross quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Today our hidden camera is... drum roll please... [drum roll sound effects from Kevin Somers] the snow sculptures at Dow's Lake. So get down there and see yourself on TV. Don't leave everything to us! I mean, it's not really fair! Here we are slaving away all day and not a word of thanks from you, and you sit out there and enjoy yourselves! Well, just let me tell ya, I'm not taking this anymore! I'm going home to Mother! [starts to walk away, but the sound of a spring malfunctioning is heard and Christine freezes in place. Ross comes on to investigate]

Uh-oh, uh-oh, looks like the sponge sprocket's gone. I'll have to take this to the workshop, I guess. [picks up the frozen Christine and carries her off set] I told 'em they should've hired Lindsay Wagner!

So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???

(still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?

Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?

Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?

HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!

No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!

Aw...

Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....

(smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?

(blankly) What last thing?

The Roving Camera! JEEZ!

Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.

Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!

Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!

Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.

Oh no? What do you call them?

That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.

[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.

What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?

Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.

Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?

I don't know.

Gotcha.

When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!

Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)

Well, what is it now?

What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.

It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.

Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?

That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!

Yeah. Forget it, Ross.

Well, it was worth a try.

The things some people will do to make a buck.

All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, which is why us actors get paid so little.

Get on with it or I'll get one of those other actors to do your intro for ya!

As you may have guessed, this week on You Can't Do That On Television, we're gonna serve up a cultural feast, so get your ketchup ready.

Our writers claim that they are true creative artists. I mean, when they start a script, they say they have no idea how it's going to end. But I think that after all these shows we can probably tell them. Everybody altogether...

Lousy.

Now wait one second! Just wait one second! I didn't even say "water"!

Oh, no. No, that's written on this cue card, and that's all it takes!

Boy, those guys sure are quick to get their revenge.

Ross, I hope you're not upset that I was making fun of your age and your, um deficiency.

No, really, I'm not, honestly, Moose. No, I realize now the aging process is really part of life's great fair plan.

Ross, that's really great. I thought you might be kind of mad at me.

No, honestly I'm not. In fact, to show my appreciation, there will be no more green slime today!

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah. No green slime today, and you know why?

Okay, no green slime?

Right.

I don't know!

Where are you going?

But we ran out of green slime... just had blue slime.

(sarcastically) You know, you're a real delight, Ross.

CUE!

I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...

...is about.

[Laughing] It's about Priorities!

Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".

Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?

Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?

See your stamp collection? Sure.

That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...

Christine, I just came back from the doctor's and he tells me I have the body of a 17-year-old.

Well, give it back, Ross. You're getting it all wrinkled.

Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.

It was nothing.

Almost!

Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."

I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Oh yeah? Was he busy?

No. Who wants less than five presents?

I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

What was that?

The producer. They just told him.

I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

That half.

You know, Jeff, you really shouldn't let Ross bully you so much.

Yeah, but I have to respect him. You know what they say, blood is thicker than water.

You-- (She gets hit with water) Wait a second! Wait a second, that is not fair! He said "water", not me! (She gets hit with water again)

Christine, I know it seems unfair, but if get this kid wet, his mother will kill me.

Will she? (She tries to flick some of the water on Jeff)

[introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!

CUT IT OFF!

[walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!

Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?

[laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.