Vanessa quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.

Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.

Sure.

How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?

Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.

(looking up) Where do they dump it from?

Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.

Very interesting. Is it always green?

Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,

or blue,

or yellow.

Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!

(also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?

Well it usually washes off with water.

Usually.

Alright, pilgrim, give me your dough. Lots of it.

Mom! The pay television channel wants money again!

What, already? [She drops a few coins into the TV.] I just hope it's a good show.

Vanessa, why do you think makeup is so important on this show?

I don't know.

Makeup! Makeup! Sandy, I need my makeup!

Now you know.

Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table while we're eating, dear.

Feed it on the table instead!

Aw, but Mom...

No buts, Vanessa. Now, feed the cat.

Did you hear what Brodie's doggy did all over his mom's antique couch?

No, what did Brodie's doggy do?

That's what he did. All over the couch.

[ripping a piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest] Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!

Boy, Alasdair, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?

[grabs Vanessa by the neck and starts to strangle her] VANESSA!!!!!!

Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Earth.

Right, that's one. Kevin?

Air.

Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Uh... fire!

Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.

And I don't miss the football games anymore.

And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]

Doug, what's the matter?

I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.

Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?

You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!

Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!

I'm starving! Are these berries edible?

Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.

Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!

[Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!

Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.

You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.

Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.

(bleep, bleep, bleep)!

What do all those words mean?

You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.

Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?

Yes sir.

Kind of a funny color isn't it?

I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!

Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)

Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)

I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.

(gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!

No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)

Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.

By the way, mom, what is strip poker?

Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.

Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

Well, this fan wants to know what green slime is made of.

Van, why don't you tell them?

Because I don't kn-- Because, Alasdair, they won't tell us.

Well, this fan wants to know he we got on the show.

Well, in my case, I did something really bad at school and being on this show was the worst punishment the teacher could think of. How about you?

Well, Vanessa, actually I thought about it many times, but I don't know how I got on the show.

I know, Alasdair. They needed someone to keep saying those words to keep getting green slime dumped all over them.

Ross, here's your stupid toothbrush. I cleaned every toilet in the entire building. What now?

Vanessa, I am tough, but I am a fair man. Now, I want you to do something to benefit yourself. Brush your teeth with it. Up and down, not sideways.