Mr. Prevert quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Great news, Dad! I've just been voted the least popular kid in our school!

Oh, good, son! Hey, listen, just keep up the good work and keep studying the maths because you'll have no trouble getting a job with the department of Internal Revenue!

Alright! (leaves, reciting math equations to himself)

Sounds right to me.

Dad, who's the most popular person among all your friends?

Well, I would say...

Whoever's buying the next round of drinks.

That last skit is very important. It helps to prove how one can not always believe how surveys say. For all we know, the people at home filling out the ballots may simply be a bunch of uneducated buffoons.

OH, NO, NO! I didn't mean to say that! Oh, who wrote the cue cards?!

That girl just called me an uneducated buffoon. I am not voting for her.

I always thought she was remarkably perceptive.

Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!

It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.

Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.

[wearing a giant beanie] When I was your age, Dougie, we all had these hats. We called them beanies.

Is that why so many men your age are bald now, Dad? Did the propeller blow all their hair off?

Whaddaya mean, "bald"? GO TO BED!

Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]

I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

Lisa, how many times do I have to tell you, dear? It is impolite to interrupt. You must wait your turn.

But when does my turn come?

Here. [He takes a card from a stand on the table.] Take a number.

3,796?!

Yep.

What's your number?

[holding up his card] 2.

So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.

I never read the newspaper, son.

That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.

That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.

Then why do you all still get a newspaper?

Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.

Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen!

It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

You know what your trouble is?

Our trouble is you can't break 100,000.

Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition.

You have no idea what it's like being a kid today!

Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous.

In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer.

Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech.

Recreology, oceanography.

Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary.

Oh it sure is.

Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up.

Yeah.

By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise?

I think I'd like to be a doctor.

I think I've decided to be a lawyer.

Children! We're home from the convention!

Hi kids!

Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

They'll kill us!

(sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Well...

Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis

Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.

Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!

What is this?!

Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.

Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.

Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!

(scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)

Bye!

Nice boy.

Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.

Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.

What?

(pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.

Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.

Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.

Yeah, that's right.

You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.

Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.

Really, dear?

That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

Ta da! Wakey wakey!

Happy Children's Day Christian.

Wow, breakfast in bed?

Yes, and we have some presents for you. Don't we Lance?

Wow!

Children's Day is our day to show our appreciation for kids.

Oh thanks mom. Thanks dad.

Hey, what's on the TV? No work today! Nothing but fun, fun fun fun!

Well I'm glad that's over. Let's get this out of here. (takes the TV away as Mrs. Prevert takes away the presents.) Now, you are going to clean my car. You are going to paint the house, put out the garbage, scrub the cess pool and then go to school.

What's so wrong about having a Kids Day anyway? I mean, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. There's even a Groundhog's Day!

Christian, every day is Children's Day and you're spoiled enough as it is!

Oh, that's what you're always trying to tell--

(dumps the cereal on Christian's head) There.

Dump it! (dumps the rest of the breakfast on Christian.) Now you lazy little slob, clean up that mess! (he and Mrs. Prevert leave)

Oh great!

You know, Jill, I think it was very nice and generous of the audience to give you all those tomatoes tonight, dear.

[hiding in the back seat] Mother, they didn't GIVE me the tomatoes, they THREW them at me! [sits up to reveal that she is covered with squashed tomatoes]

True.

They didn't like my solo. Mother, everyone thinks I'm a failure, don't you understand?!

Jill, Jill, that is not true, not everybody threw somethin' at you. The Wildermeyers were there...

That's right.

They never tossed nothin'.

Oh, look!

They just pulled up to the stoplight! Hey Wildermeyer, over here! Yeah! How ya doin'? Yeah, we need a little confidence buildin'. My daughter Jill wants to know, what did ya think of her song?