Kevin quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

When I agreed to do the Kevin Kubusheskie celebrity roast, this isn't what I had in mind!

So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?

Oh! Sir!

Schenk?

We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

So you want to eat horse eh, Burna? You've come to the right place.

[Appearing behind the kitchen] Duuuuhhhh, I heard that.

As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.

You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...

Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.

No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.

It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.

It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.

I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.

Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.

Waste not. Want not.

Right on.

Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Angie, how do I stop smoking?

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Angie, do you splat pies?

I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.

Excuse me, sir?

Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?

Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?

Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!

Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.

I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!

That way or the right way, sir?

I don't why we have to wear these stupid numbers anyway. I mean, what difference does it make who's the most popular kid on the show?

What difference does it make? It makes a lot of difference! For instance, the most popular kid on the show can demand a lot from the producers, like she can ask for her own make-up lady, she can ask for her own dressing room... (realizes something) Think of it, she can ask for her own chauffeur-driven limousine. But most important of all, she can ask for more money and probably get it, and everybody else will get less.

Really?

Yeah, the producers take this audience survey stuff very seriously.

Oh. [Pushes Christine off-camera] I've always said that the audience was the most important part of our show. I mean, without the audience, there wouldn't be a show, now would there? So remember, I've always said that you're the most intelligent, good-looking, and wonderful audience--

He's ever lied to. [Kevin attacks Christine.]

Great news, Dad! I've just been voted the least popular kid in our school!

Oh, good, son! Hey, listen, just keep up the good work and keep studying the maths because you'll have no trouble getting a job with the department of Internal Revenue!

Alright! (leaves, reciting math equations to himself)

Sounds right to me.

Where do you think you're going?

To do the introduction to the show.

You can't do that on television!

Yeah, that's the show, alright.

Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!

Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.

Oh no? What do you call them?

That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.

[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.

What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?

Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.

Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?

I don't know.

Gotcha.

When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!

I don't see why you're going through all this trouble just to get me dressed up in the latest fashion. No one ever sees me when I'm chained up down here.

Who said anything about fashion? No, no, this is for your own good. you see, they're gonna drain the moat right into this dungeon--

Have a nice swim! See ya round! [runs off]

Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]

I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, which is why us actors get paid so little.

Get on with it or I'll get one of those other actors to do your intro for ya!

As you may have guessed, this week on You Can't Do That On Television, we're gonna serve up a cultural feast, so get your ketchup ready.

I wonder what he's thinking about, anyway.

I don't know, but he's probably thinking about where he left his pants.