Matthew quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.

You must mean money, Adam.

No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--

That's "paranoia", Adam.

Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--

That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.

Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.

What's that? What's happening?!

[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]

Ross, are you okay?

Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.

Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!

Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.

But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?

Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.

Matthew, where are you going?

I'm just gonna go play in the traffic, Mom.

You sure you're not gonna go play in that park?

No, of course not. I'm gonna go play in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Oh, Matthew, that's a good boy. Have a nice accident, dear.

That's my boy.

So seeing as Doug was so stupid as to get himself slimed and ruin that beautiful uniform, he is not able to go with the rest of us to the Big Apple, New York City.

Alright! Suckers!

Ross, you insist on making us wear these ridiculous outfits and on going to boring museums, then we just won't go.

You don't have much choice, do you?

Yes, we do, Ross. Yes we do. Man is born free, but is everywhere in reins and silly uniforms. We hold these truths to be self-evident that no taxation without representation and that America will always be--

Adam, stop being revolting.

Ross, what Adam is trying to say is that you make us go to New York in these silly stupid uniforms, we will all say...

I don't...

NO!

Wasn't the way we planned it, but I guess it worked okay.

Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!

Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!

Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...

Mother, not in front of my friends!...

Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!

Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.

D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

(angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!