Valerie quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

(watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show) When is Julie Andrews coming on?

Hey, Mom, this is great. The free balloons in the box of Coco Flakes are already blown up.

Well, that's right, dear. You see that way, they don't have to put as much in the package. Now...

...eat your flake.

Alright, pilgrim, give me your dough. Lots of it.

Mom! The pay television channel wants money again!

What, already? [She drops a few coins into the TV.] I just hope it's a good show.

Mom, guess what followed me home from school today.

Oh, Eugene, I don't care, we're not keeping it. Toss it off the back porch.

Okay.

What was that?! [Eugene re-enters.]

It was Mrs. Owbokowski, my English teacher.

Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table while we're eating, dear.

Feed it on the table instead!

Aw, but Mom...

No buts, Vanessa. Now, feed the cat.

Yes?

Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.

Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)

It's driving Dougie crazy. He can't find his Christmas presents anywhere.

Where did you hide them?

Oh, I found a place he hasn't looked in years. Under his bed.

Every Christmas Eve, it's the same thing, I can't put these things together!

I know, dear.

I'm a senator, I'm not an engineer.

Well, let me see that, Lance. [Lance hands over the instruction sheet.] Well, maybe you're having trouble, dear, because you're using the Japanese instructions.

Let me see that! [He grabs the sheet back.] I know.

Of course you did.

I just happen to like a challenge, okay?

You bet.

Alasdair, are you watching another one of those violent war movies again?

But, mom, I--

How many times have I told you I do not want to see violence on television? (She slaps him.) Besides, (slap) there's too much (slap) violence (slap) on television! (slap)

I know, mom, you're being violent...

..and we're on television!

Oh. Hello.

Marjorie, I thought you said that your parents were getting a separation.

They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

Marjorie dear, I'm afraid your little friend is going to have to go home now.

Aw Mom, she just got here!

Marjorie dear, you know the rules - no company after eight o'clock.

All right. Dad?

Yeah? What is it, Marjorie?

Can we come over to play?

Why sure, kid! You know what I always say, my house is your house.

Bye Mom!

Bye dear.

Dad, this is my friend Lisa.

Marjorie, I can't see the TV.

Oh yeah, I know that. Mom got custody.

[holding up his beer can] But I got custody of the fridge. Heh heh.

(outside the bathroom, knocking on the door) Come on. You can't hide in the bathroom, it's time to go to school. I don't care if you got no clothes on, I'm coming in! (she enters) Aha! (she heads for the shower curtain, then opens it, revealing the principal) Aha! You have to go to school!

Please don't make me go to school. You know how I hate it there and those big Grade 10 boys!

No excuse. You have to go to school, it's the law! Besides, you're the principal! Now come along. (she grabs the principal by the ear and pulls him out)

I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.

(gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!

No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)

Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.

By the way, mom, what is strip poker?

Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.

Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

Oh, Adam, how did the part-time job at the parking garage go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I was driving this customer's Porsche into the garage to see how fast it would go. Only problem was, it ended up parked on top of another car. You think they'd realized I just showed them how to fit twice as many cars into the garage! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fired me.

Adam, how did the job at the fast food place go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Well, you see, they kept yelling at me to serve the food faster, and I did. I served the food faster than anybody else did. Only trouble was it didn't get cooked first.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd realize the money they could save by serving the hamburgers raw. But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Adam! How was the job at the car wash today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

You see, there was this Mercedes with an electric sunroof. I accidentally pushed the button to open the sunroof just as it was going into the car wash. You think they'd realized I'd just shown them a way to clean the inside of the car as the same time of the outside. But, no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.