A character in You Can't Do That on Television
Christine, do you ever use face cream?
Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Oh, great! Let me have some.
Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
"Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.
(interrupting Christine's talk about beauty parlors) Don't I know it, Christine. Like, my mom goes to the beauty parlor twice a week and has this mud cake, it looks really funny, she won't--
Lisa, excuse me for interrupting, but why would she do that?
I don't know!
[instead of slime, Lisa gets hit with mud, while Christine tries to hold in her laughter.]
You knew about this, didn't you, Moosie?
Well, remember that typo in the script that said "Lisa Muddy" instead of "Lisa Ruddy"?
Yes.
That was no typo!
You, know, Moosie, this means war.
Dad, who's the most popular person among all your friends?
Well, I would say...
Whoever's buying the next round of drinks.
[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
...Who dresses like a punk!
...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
...Who's not a big sissy!
[Christine enters the studio]
Where do you think you're going?
To do the introduction to the show.
You can't do that on television!
Yeah, that's the show, alright.
Christine, have you ever tried the water diet?
No, what's that-- Oh, you drink all the water you want...
No, you don't exactly drink it.
(realizing something) Oh no...
[Christine gets drenched.]
Christine, the wet look is in. Oh, you got it this time.
Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!
Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.
Oh no? What do you call them?
[Doug, Kevin, and Lisa enter in ghost sheets.]
That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.
[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.
What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?
Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.
Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?
I don't know.
[All three get slimed]
Gotcha.
When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!
I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.
Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?
Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.
[Lisa is at the firing squad.]
Ready... aim... fire! (One shot goes off.)
What happened? How come I haven't been shot?
Oh, you see, we only use blank bullets.
Blank bullets? Oh, I should have guessed. You guys are always trying to rip us tourists off. Well, I won't stand for it! I paid for a real firing squad, not one that uses blank bullets. Now, look, when little Sally went on her French Revolutionary tour, they did it right.
[El Captain begins to look annoyed.]
They guillotined her and they got a plastic surgeon to sew her head back on. They sewed it on backwards, but it doesn't matter. She still gloats over it about me, and I told her that my South American junta would be better than hers. So we're gonna do it again, and we're gonna do it right!
ALRIGHT! Alright, firing squad. Live ammo, load up! Ready... (to Lisa) You wanna go through with this?
Get on with it before I get really mad and I'll report you to someone higher than you and you'll get it--
AIIIM... (to Lisa) This is your last chance.
Don't interrupt me, don't even ask me again, okay?
FIRE! (Lisa gets shot.)
Now that's better. (She falls to the floor.)
[Lisa is pulling balloons out of a cereal box.]
Hey, Mom, this is great. The free balloons in the box of Coco Flakes are already blown up.
Well, that's right, dear. You see that way, they don't have to put as much in the package. Now...
[She pours a single corn flake from the box.]
...eat your flake.
[At Barth's]
I'll have the four dollar turkey surprise.
Ah, coming up. (He hands her a grilled cheese sandwich.) Four dollar turkey surprise.
This is a grilled cheese sandwich. There's no turkey in a grilled cheese sandwich.
Surprise... turkey.
[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]
Uh oh...
Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Uh, no Mom!
Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
I've got a boy in here with me!
Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Just as it was getting interesting!
What do we do now?
Got any cards?
All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.
Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.
Sir? Sir?
What is it, Lisa?
Sir, how come you never went on educational television?
Because I can't make letters appear above my head.
Oh. [Suddenly an O appears above Lisa and drops onto her.]
All right class, now your homework assignment for tonight. I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. Okay, that's it. Class dismissed.
That lousy creep giving us an assignment like that. It's not fair.
I thought that was a pretty good homework assignment.
No, it wasn't, it was a lousy homework assignment.
What, watching television?
Exactly. You know I never do any of my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV shows.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
You Can't Do That on Television · 355 quotes