Doug quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!

It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.

Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.

Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!

...Who dresses like a punk!

...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!

...Who's not a big sissy!

[wearing a giant beanie] When I was your age, Dougie, we all had these hats. We called them beanies.

Is that why so many men your age are bald now, Dad? Did the propeller blow all their hair off?

Whaddaya mean, "bald"? GO TO BED!

Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!

Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.

Oh no? What do you call them?

That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.

[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.

What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?

Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.

Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?

I don't know.

Gotcha.

When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!

Doug, did you know that ol' Barth has a contract with the producer of TV commercials?

Why would anyone give Barthy a contract?

Oh, that's easy. You see, when the producers want to make the commercial about stomach pains, ol' Barth provides the burgers to give all the actors indigestion.

Dah, I heard that! Pays good, too.

What's your ambition in life?

To grow up big and strong.

Oh, you mean like me?

No!

Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!

Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.

Oh, Lisa?

Yes, Moosie?

Was it always your ambition to become an actress?

Why, yes it was.

What went wrong?

Doug, what's the matter?

I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.

Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?

You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!

Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!

This itching is driving me crazy!

Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.

Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.

Just what we've been looking for!

OW! This kills!

But has the itching stopped?

Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!

And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!

(entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!

We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!

My nose, my body aches all over!

Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)

Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.

(returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)

Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!

I think I'd rather go to school.

Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!

What is this?!

Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.

Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.

Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!

(scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)

Bye!

Nice boy.

Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.

Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.

What?

(pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.

(he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.

Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.

I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)

Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?

Yes mom!

Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.

There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!

Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!

Like what?

Water, anything, quick!

(Bleep, bleep, bleep)!

(Talking to the producer) I agree.

(Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!

Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.

(Bleep, bleep, bleep)!

How about five minutes more?

(Bleep, bleep, bleep).

Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)

What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?

No I'm not Doug.

But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.

Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.

Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!

Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!

(grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!

Go now!

Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)

Where do these things come from anyways?

Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.

You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?

Yep Doug, that's exactly right.

The cameraman? Everyone?

Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.