You Can't Do That on Television quotes

Listen Kevin, you're not getting me to wear a skirt on TV! No way! I won't do it!

Oh? Why, are you afraid that somebody's gonna mistake you for a girl?

Yeah. I mean... [pauses] You little rat!! [chases Kevin off the link set angrily]

How do you spell "totally ignorant"?

F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L S-C-H-O-L-A-R-S-H-I-P.

Today our hidden camera is... drum roll please... [drum roll sound effects from Kevin Somers] the snow sculptures at Dow's Lake. So get down there and see yourself on TV. Don't leave everything to us! I mean, it's not really fair! Here we are slaving away all day and not a word of thanks from you, and you sit out there and enjoy yourselves! Well, just let me tell ya, I'm not taking this anymore! I'm going home to Mother! [starts to walk away, but the sound of a spring malfunctioning is heard and Christine freezes in place. Ross comes on to investigate]

Uh-oh, uh-oh, looks like the sponge sprocket's gone. I'll have to take this to the workshop, I guess. [picks up the frozen Christine and carries her off set] I told 'em they should've hired Lindsay Wagner!

Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]

Cyndi, were you ever in love?

[sighing] Yes, I was once.

Anyone I know? Tim, maybe?

No, not him. He was a frog.

Cyndi, that's no way to speak of our French-Canadian cousins.

Not one of them - a real frog! I raised him from a tadpole.

Is he still alive?

No... I dissected him in a fit of passion.

Gross me out! How could you bring yourself to cut up a frog you've known for years?

Aw, come on, frogs aren't human.

Any more of this, and we will separate!

Which is more correct to say, "Who are you kidding?" or "Whom are you kidding?"

Well, most people say, "Who are you kidding?" but it's really more correct to say "Whom are you kidding?"

Well, Sarah, I was wondering, um...

Spit it out.

Well, you'll only say no.

Not necessarily.

Yes you will. You'll say no.

Try me.

Promise you won't say no.

Okay, I may regret this, but I promise I won't say no.

Sarah, will you go to the dance with me?

Uh... whom are you kidding? [giggles]

Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?

I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

Hey Moose, I think he likes me!

What makes you say that?

Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!

She's so naive.

Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?

That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.

GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]

[puzzled] ...Was it something I said?

[emerging from the Executive Washroom, having used it after Seth Pool unwittingly walked off with all the toilet paper] Ugh, 15 $20 bills! I'll never eat bran muffins again... ohhhh...

[on the phone] Well then, double padlock it this time! I don't want anyone using that executive washroom except the executives! ... What? ... I don't CARE how much it's going to cost! Last time someone else got in there and they took, they took all the toilet tissue! It cost me over $300! ... Never MIND how! None of your business! Just get that place locked up!

[seeing the money the "network people" left on the link set] These network people treat money as if it were toilet paper!

"The Muppets Get Stuffed" will not be seen at this time in order that we may give work to some human actors.

"The Dukes Of Hazzard Line Up For Gas" will not be seen at this time in order that we my bring you the following bucket of bolts.

So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???

(still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?

Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?

Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?

HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!

No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!

Aw...

Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....

(smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?

(blankly) What last thing?

The Roving Camera! JEEZ!

Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.

Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!

Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!