You Can't Do That on Television quotes

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Adam: Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.
Alanis: The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?
Adam: Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.
Alanis: [running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]
Adam: [trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!
[Alanis opens the front door, then screams and quickly runs off to avoid a barrage of giant rocks rolling toward her.]
Adam: [getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!

Alanis: If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.

Alanis: Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!

Alasdair: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?
Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.
Lisa: Explains what?
Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Alasdair: [ripping a piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest] Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!
[Vanessa comes up behind him, having gathered up the pieces of paper]
Vanessa: Boy, Alasdair, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?
Alasdair: [grabs Vanessa by the neck and starts to strangle her] VANESSA!!!!!!

Alasdair: Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: Great!
Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

Alasdair: Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!
Vanessa: Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
Alasdair: You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
James: Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
Alasdair: (bleep, bleep, bleep)!
James: What do all those words mean?
Vanessa: You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.

Angie: [With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?

Announcer: "Love Connection Short Circuits" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following heartbreaking show.

Announcer: Wild Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a program in which people act like animals.

Announcer: [after the closing credits roll, over a shot of Lisa, Christine and Kevin being gobbled up by a Pac-Man] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production. [The Pac-Man belches]

Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.
Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?
[Christine is slimed]
Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!
Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

Ben: What's your ambition in life?
Doug: To grow up big and strong.
Ben: Oh, you mean like me?
Doug: No!
Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Lisa: Why, yes it was.
Christine: What went wrong?

Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...