Two and a Half Men · Season 5
Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.
All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan [to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.
Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.
Where are you going?
I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Thank you for a lovely dinner.
You're welcome. [they kiss]
Good night.
Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Well, then, go tuck yourself.
I guess I'll have to.
Hot girl at twelve o'clock.
Where?
Over there.
That would be nine o'clock.
No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.
You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Go ahead, take a swing.
OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
What if you have a digital watch?
First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.
Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Good one.
You understood that?
Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]
Charlie?
What?
I need your help.
If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Yeah, so?
I'm out of notches.
Fine, what do you need?
A younger man's penis.
[knocks on the door]
Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Room service, señor.
We didn't order anything.
Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Can you slip it under the door?
Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".
One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--
His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Who's telling the story?!
Continue.
Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
His middle name is Francis.
You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?
Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Who's he [Alan] listening to?
Bucket of Hate.
They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Who?
Yeah.
What?
Band called "Who".
Bucket of Hate.
[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]
[to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
I'm not talking to you.
Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Would you please just... go to sleep?
Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan [to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Will you make up your freaking mind?
[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]
Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.
Can I throw up in it?
No.
Then I don't need to see it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
