[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
To the batcave, Alfred
Go to hell.
S2 E12A Lungful of Alan
OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
JJamie
This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
JJamie
Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
You knew your shirt was open?
JJamie
WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
S2 E13Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair
[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]
Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
What earthquake?
'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Oh.
Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.
I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.
Have you even tried?
It's just for a couple of days.
Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Again, have you even tried?
[Judith is holding salad tongs]
Ah, better use the wooden ones.
What's wrong with these?
I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Is this a regular occurrence?
You'd think I'd learn.
And you keep them in the kitchen?
I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
This is really weird.
Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Well, what if you were dating?
But I'm not.
But what if it looked like you were dating?
Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
OK, forget it.
She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Anything else?
Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.
S2 E14Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]
Lewis and Clark explored what?
[buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Right.
I knew that.
Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
And I'm still buzzed.
OK, give me another question.
All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Alaska.
Ah, very good!
Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
Charlie [looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?
[About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.
You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.
Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!
Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?
S2 E15Smell the Umbrella Stand
The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
What do you want? He's eleven.
That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.
[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]
What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
You're kidding, right?
Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
I have to do math and pee my pants?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.