What's taking you so long?
I can't find my other shoe!
So then put on a different pair.
But this one's on already!
S2 E16Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?
You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?
OK.
You're not moving.
Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.
GET UP!
I forgot to comb my hair.
No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
That's spit!
One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.
Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.
You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!
Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.
Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?
Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".
I just want to go home, I'm cold and I'm wet.
And if you kick the back of my seat again with those dirty cleats, you're going to be colder and wetter.
S2 E17Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]
Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?
[Charlie is on the floor in intense pain]
I need someone who can give me drugs!
I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.
Drugs just mask the problem.
Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!
Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.
Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.
Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
The sink? How'd you manage that?
It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.
If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Well, I don't agree.
It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Oh, I agree with gravity.
Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.
So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?
It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
DDoctor
Oh, are you a doctor?
Yes, I'm a chiropractor.
DDoctor
So, no.
S2 E18It Was Mame, Mom
Dad?
Yeah?
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Well, Alan, do you?
Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Right.
And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.