Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?
Coffee and breast milk.
What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.
S2 E9Yes, Monsignor
Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
The quiet ones are always the freaks.
Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent
But you admit, she was naked.
Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?
Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.
Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?
Dunno.
Did you show this to your mother?
No.
Why not?
Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.
S2 E10The Salmon Under My Sweater
[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Did I say "big baby chunks"?
Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Just making notes.
Good for you! What do you have so far?
Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Ferrets?
Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
That was fifty pages!
Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
No, I'm lazy.
[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
What are they, brain damaged?
Welcome to show business, kid.
S2 E11Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
GGail
No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.
Are you still reading that thing?
How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?
You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Well, how do I find out who created it?
Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
That's no help.
Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...
If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.
Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
What are you doing? Give me that!
I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
That's private.
OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Yeah, what's that?
If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."
S2 E12A Lungful of Alan
You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.
OK!
And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Got it.
Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
You're disgusting.
Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.
[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
What was going on with your hair?
JJamie
It's called a Jheri curl.
It was my Michael Jackson period.
Who's the tall guy next to you?
JJamie
Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
I thought you were going to be busy today.
I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.