Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.
S2 E4Go Get Mommy's Bra
Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Um, you could use my car, Mom.
You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.
So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
You plug it in and recharge it.
Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Charlie...
It's a cool car, Jake.
Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
Charlie...
That's a cool car, too, Jake.
[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]
Holy mother of God!
No, no, unholy mother of us!
I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.
Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Well, if you must know--
I don't need to know.
Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
With the Saudi prince?
Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.
I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.
Wanna bet?
Why not?
Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.
S2 E5Bad News from the Clinic
A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.
[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Oh, my God!
What?
I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.
Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
It's not gonna be on the test.
Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Why can't you just learn it now?
'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.
[Jake is doing his homework]
What about this one?
That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.
But why don't you do it anyway.
Cause I don't have to.
But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.
But I'm not.
Do it!
Why?
Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
I am done, this is extra.
S2 E6The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
I have to tell you something.
OK.
Come on out in the bedroom.
All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
You'll understand in a minute.
Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan [frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."
Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?
I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.
[About the menu] See anything you like dear?
I don't know. What's venison?
Deer.
What?
Deer.
What?
Deer. D-E-E-R.
What? W-H-A-T.
[To Alan] What's wrong with him?
Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.
Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!
Coming soon to Pay-per-view.
I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?
I was hoping.
Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.