OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.
S2 E6The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?
Yeah?
You actually stopped at 6.
What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?
S2 E7A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!
Well, she's your mother, too!
How do you know? I could have been adopted.
You wish!
I do!
DDaisy
Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.
Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.
That's it, I can't work like this!
Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Don't tell me, tell her.
Fine.
Berta [to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
DDaisy
HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!
Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.
Alan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!
S2 E8Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.
Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.
OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.
Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Charlie, trust me.
You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.
Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
S2 E9Yes, Monsignor
So, what are you doing for dinner?
LLisa
You're shameless.
Thank you.
LLisa
It's not a compliment.
Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?
LLisa
Charlie, a lot has changed.
I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!
I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?
I am.
It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?
Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
I have a loose tooth.
Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.
Charlie [through the baby monitor]: OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.