Hey, Jake...
You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
What?
I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.
S6 E16She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
S6 E17The "Ocu" or the "Pado"
[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]
BBobby
Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
BBobby
Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
[At Dr.Freeman office]
FDr.Freeman
Hey Charlie, how's it going?
Boy you really blew it this time.
FDr.Freeman
Did I now? How so?
(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
FDr.Freeman
(distracted) Oop my bad
Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.
FDr.Freeman
Sorry I must have been drunk.
What the hell did I just swallow?
A one-bedroom condo.
What?
I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Why?
What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?
S6 E18My Son's Enormous Head
I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]
That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
[The Bridges of Madison County is playing on TV]
This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!
Yes, it is.
Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!
Well, tough. I like it.
Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.
I'll never apologize for my feminine side.
So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Maybe she has an STD.
What?
It means "sexually transmitted disease".
I know what STD's are!
Your uncle helped invent them.
You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
I don't understand.
Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Okay. (walks to the utility room)
(to Alan) You must be so proud.
(from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.
Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.
S6 E19The Two-Finger Rule
[Chelsea leaves Charlie while Alan argues on the phone with Melissa]
Oh, please don't leave!
Oh, please don't hang up!
CACharlie and Alan
I love you!
And I love you, too.
[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]
Is this a bad time?
They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.
Don't you walk away from me!
Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!
Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.
Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!
[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]
I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
See you later.
Where you going?
Down to the pier with Celeste.
Who's Celeste?
My girlfriend. She lives next door.
She pretty?
She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.
No kidding.
We don't get it either.
Maybe she's punishing her father.
Let's hope so!
Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.
And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.
Zing!
(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)
Hey, Jake.
(intimidated) Hello, sir.
(calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?
(still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.
(leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.
GGordon
[delivering pizza] Hey Mr. Harper.
Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.
GGordon
Yeah, two years.
So what have you been up to?
GGordon
Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.
Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?
GGordon
Why stop now?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.