I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]
That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
[The Bridges of Madison County is playing on TV]
This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!
Yes, it is.
Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!
Well, tough. I like it.
Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.
I'll never apologize for my feminine side.
So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Maybe she has an STD.
What?
It means "sexually transmitted disease".
I know what STD's are!
Your uncle helped invent them.
You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
I don't understand.
Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Okay. (walks to the utility room)
(to Alan) You must be so proud.
(from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.
Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.