Two and a Half Men quotes

Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?

Alan

Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.

[sighs] Snickerdoodles.

Alan

You don't like them?

No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.

Charlie

You're kidding.

Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]

Jerome

Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.

Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?

Jerome

Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]

Alan

That's way better than "snickerdoodle".

Herb

Judith calls mine "that thing".

Alan

As in, "Get that thing away from me"?

Herb

Yeah, how did you know?

Alan

Just a guess.

Evelyn

Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.

Charlie

Judith.

Evelyn

Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.

Charlie

Do you want a better relationship with him?

Evelyn

Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.

Chelsea

Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.

Charlie

What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?

Charlie

This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!

Alan

Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]

Charlie

Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.

Alan

Oh hey, good idea!

Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?

Charlie

God, I love your mom.

Charlie

What'cha doin'?

Alan

Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.

Charlie

OK. Why?

Alan

I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...

Charlie

Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

Alan

No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.

Charlie

Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

And for you, sir?

Alan

Whiskey, neat.

Charlie

Since when do you drink hard liquor?

Alan

Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.

Tru dat.

Charlie

So, once again, what are you up to?

Rose

OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.

Charlie

You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.

Rose

Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.

Charlie

Kleagle?

Rose

According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.

Charlie

[After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.

Alan

Oh, you mean Rose?

Charlie

No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!

Charlie

[to Rose] So you actually wanna be with him?

Rose

[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie

[to Alan] And you believe she's got no ulterior motive whatsoever?

Alan

[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie

[to both of them] Fine. I now pronounce you fruit basket & nutcase! May God have mercy on your souls.

Charlie

Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.

Chelsea

It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!

Charlie

Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.

Chelsea

So you think we should stop having sex?

Charlie

No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.

Charlie

Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

Chelsea

What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

Charlie

No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Chelsea

Charlie...

Charlie

Get a good earful?

Berta

No.

Jake

I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

Jake

Where's Uncle Charlie?

Chelsea

Said he had some sort of meeting.

Jake

That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.

Charlie

Alan?

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

You're starting to scare the crap out of me.

Alan

Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?

Charlie

That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.

Alan

Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?

Charlie

With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]