MSMelissa's Mother
I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.
S6 E14David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
[To Berta, Evelyn and Charlie] You should be ashamed of yourselves. This (Alan) is a warm and wonderful human being and he deserves more, especially from his family. I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.
Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime.
MSMelissa's Mother
You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing 'shrooms, so maybe I wasn't an official forest ranger.
S6 E15I'd Like to Start With the Cat
Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?
Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.
Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?
No.
It's "Mandu".
Mandu?
Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?
Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?
Because that's what you're always thinking.
No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!
Hey, watch your mouth!
I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!
You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.
And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?
I'm from Champaign, Illinois.
You sure?
I'm sure.
Bastard set me up!
[on couples counseling]
Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
If you want dessert, have an apple!
Not funny, Dad!
[After when Jake takes Charlie's pudding cups]
The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!
[Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!
S6 E16She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.
So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?
I vote for cathouse.
Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
A movie would be fine.
All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]
Have I met this woman before?
I doubt it.
She looks familiar.
Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.
I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
He does.
Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?
Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.
That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.
I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.
Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back...
Home.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.