TV show quotes
You're supposed to be finishing your report.
I know, but I can't find the book.
You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Find... the book.
I'm really tired.
Find... the book!
Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!
You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
I have my doubts, Dad.
So what do I owe you?
Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie [sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
'Cause I don't have to.
You don't have to study algebra.
Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
It's not funny.
Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
That boy was nothing like me.
Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.
Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Except when they don't work.
Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"
What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"
Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
You think so?
Yeah, they should put your face on money.
[about condoms]
Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
They don't?
Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
How much are you paying him?
Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Playboy?
Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]
[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
What are you doing?
Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
