So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
No.
The money you promised to pay back today.
The day hasn't even started yet!
It started for me.
That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
S6 E2Pie Hole, Herb
I want my forty dollars!
I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
You like round numbers, do you?
Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Are you calling me anal?
That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
S6 E3Damn You, Eggs Benedict
At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.
Wow. Two women?
Yeah.
And yet you're still tooting your own horn.
Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!
Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.
Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?
In an Easter basket.
Scrambled it is.
Morning.
Morning.
What'cha doing?
Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Sunny side up.
Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan [on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Scrambled it is.
So where's your friend?
Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
Jake [to Charlie]: You up for an R-rated movie? Boobies, no violence.
Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
Only you can gay up banging two women.
[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]
You know, your body's sending you a message.
Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.
Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.
If it's poison, why do you drink it?
Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.
You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
Right.
And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.
I'm sure you have.
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.
S6 E4The Flavin' and the Mavin'
OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.
You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.
Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.
I'm hoping to say the same.
Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Hey, you crap where I live!
Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie - The old hump'em and dump'em one track mind Charlie.
Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!
I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.
Really?
Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.
Wow, I'm impressed!
That I'm growing up?
No, that you can so easily lie to my face.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.